We Are the Darkness that We Fear, and the Light that We Seek
by underLINED mine
Summary: Everything has died, especially trust and who Alfred was. He had disappeared, and he's still not here, though he's in his home; quiet, scared, and paranoid. Broken. He is different, and only a few know why; the few who hurt him. Can his friends teach him to trust again, or will he always be alone? Final piece in the Regrow Refind trilogy, but you can read this as a standalone.
1. Unaware

"America is alive!" exclaimed Lithuania over the phone. "He's been found by Canada near the woods."

"That's great, but what was he doing there? You don't just disappear for a few days and end up in the woods. Did he try walking there?" asked Korea, restlessly twirling his hair curl while trying to muster up the courage to ask if anything happened to him. "Did you notice anything before he left?"

Lithuania sighed. "I already told you; America returned from a meeting sick or something, and Canada asked me to watch over him for a day. I was still asleep in the guest room when America left, and I didn't have his phone number. I tried looking around for him, and when I finally called Canada, he went missing from where he was staying."

"Maybe the meeting had something to do with it, because if he was just sick then he wouldn't have ran away."

"I'll ask him when I see him. I have a meeting in New York with some other East European countries, so I'm sure that I can swing there."

"That's great... Hey, I probably have some papers that he didn't sign, so that's good. I'll come with you."

"Okay, in four days we'll see America and Canada, so-"

"What do you think happened?"

"... What do you mean?"

"At the meeting, what happened that made America bed-bound and caused him to run away?"

He didn't like where this was going. "... I don't know. Do you think that it was bad?"

"China and Japan wouldn't tell me anything, and everyone who attended it was silent as well." _How bad was it?_

"I don't know much other than what I told you. I mean, England was also missing for a few days, but it turned out that he was just a little sick. Maybe America was also sick."

"Then why did he run away? Isn't it weird that both were sick at the same time? Do you think ..." _What happened to America also happened to England? That America was afraid that something would happen to him if he stayed?_

Both shivered at the thought before Lithuania said unsurely "... Maybe we have the wrong idea, you know? Maybe nothing happened and we're just thinking like this because everybody always thinks of the worst case scenario first. I mean, America doing something unusual and brash isn't weird. In fact, it'd be weird if he didn't. England is the only one sick, and he has a crush on him, right? Maybe what happened wasn't violent, but it was just emotion filled and, to save face, everyone just tried to pretend that it didn't happen. Like America getting his feelings hurt by confessing to England. That's plausible... right?"

 _Right?_ _Nothing happened, Alfred isn't hurt, it's all fine. We'll all be okay and happy..._ "Right?"

Im Young Soo was always happy, always smiling and always laughing, like Alfred. But this time it came out more like a small shriek or sob. Lithuania treated it as the intended, reassuring laugh and politely hung up after saying how they would meet. Neither knew how to react to the omen.

Neither knew that something they loved had died.

 **Story trigger warnings: Suicide, PTSD, and violence.**


	2. Off

Alfred wished that he had a magic mask that looked like he was smiling. He kept forgetting to keep smiling. He was tired of… a lot of things actually. He felt like an empty husk, a robot going through the motions that others ordered him to do. A zombie.

Maybe… Maybe he _was_ a zombie, or at least dead. That would explain it. Why he felt so tired all the time, why he couldn't feel anything except _something_ weighing down on his heart, the … thing that had happened, so surreal, disgusting, maddening... it was obvious! He was in Hell. He didn't know why he was in Hell, but he wasn't even in purgatory. The worst Hell where not only did you get … hurt by your 'friends', but you work frantically on everything to prevent it from happening again with barely any sleep, and also have to pretend that nothing happened because of what others might do. What if… what if _they_ found out that he let it slip? They might do it again out of anger! Anyone could do it to him if they found out, just because they could. He thought that he could trust them, but even France, even England-

Even England betrayed him. He really, really, really, really fucked up. He clenched his fists and started to choke up. _Damn damn damn damn_. He was crying, and nothing even happened! If he was this weak, then it could happen-

 _Damn damn no no no no no no no no no-_

Someone gently clasped his fist. Alfred looked at his face.

"It's okay Alfie, no one's going to hurt you. You don't have to hold everything in, you can tell me if you're worried." Alfred smiled and faced forward again. Maybe he wasn't as deep in Hell as he thought.

"I'm fine Mattie, just please stay with me a little longer."

"I wasn't going to go off. Besides, you might feel nervous going to an office place."

"Well, it is only to sign some papers, and there's only two people, so I could easily fight them off if needed. They probably aren't up to something else."

"Maybe they want to see how you've been since you went missing. I mean, it's a really busy time of the year with paperwork, but maybe it's also a chance to see you. People really do care about you"

Alfred's arms start to lightly shake. "That's not a good thing. If people care about me, then wouldn't they get mad more and do … _it-_ "

"I meant care as in they want you to be happy. I care about you, and in a positive way."

Alfred's arms stop shaking as he smiles and says "You're right, Matt. I hope they care like that."

 _Why wouldn't they?_ Canada thinks before he remembers. _Who wouldn't like you?_ Also not good. _I would never do that._ That's probably what _they_ all thought before it happened. _I love you?_ Perfect!

Just as he's about to say that America says that they're already there. The small gray tinted building looks foreboding and ominous somehow, as if whatever is going to happen there is so bad that the building is warning them. Alfred grabs his hand and squeezes, and Matthew tries to ignore the pain. After all, he may've caused this. Fucking France.

Still walking hand in hand, America doesn't breathe out even when he sees Lithuania and Korea alone and seeming happy to see him. They smile and it unnerves him, though Matthew seems to not notice as he smiles back and walks to them, asking how they've been. "Good", Lithuania replies, and that they've been busy but wanted to swing around and check on America. Alfred doesn't say how it sounds suspicious that they were really busy, but both happened to pop by on the same day, same place, with almost no one else around. Nor does he ask why they would want to check on him after he made sure that no information was leaked. Maybe he shouldn't have been thinking about this and should've just blindly trusted them like he would've before.

Then he would've noticed Korea grabbing him.

Korea was on the floor, Matthew was saying something to him, and someone was screaming. When he finally managed to breathe again, he realized that he was the one screaming. Lithuania screamed at him and asked why the hell he would do that and what the hell was wrong with him for hurting his friend. Alfred himself thought that he was just going to cry then and there before he crouched into fetal position and started hyperventilating. Matthew and Lithuania yelled at each other for just feeding into hiss reactions and pretending that they were in the right before Mattie yelled with a murderous look to get out. Lithuania helped him up and they left the office before he could ask America to sign the paperwork. They all knew that he wasn't all right, and that something had changed him for the worse.

He was terrified of what they would do.

* * *

" _If who I am is what I have and what I have is lost, then who am I?_ " Anonymous


	3. ReDe spite

The cigarette, like everything else, was bitter and slowly killing him, Arthur noted. Even things that used to bring him joy now just made him feel sick and bitter.

 _It was your fault, you know. You could have stopped this, could have noticed that it wasn't working, but no, you plowed on. You destroyed your friend and yourself. You forced everyone into this because you misunderstood France and were too daft to ask. An evil beast, a demon. Go to Hell._

In the corner of his house, alone, he laments and regrets. Why did things have to happen like this? Why did this have to happen? Why did he do this? Why did he hurt the one he loved? _If only I could change it. I would do anything to make Alfred happy again._

His cell phone rang and he quickly answered it because it could've been Alfred. The lottery would've been more likely, considering his relationship with him.

It was Korea. "England, do you know what happened to America at the meeting?"

"... Why do you ask?" He wasn't going to admit to anything that could land his people in trouble.

"Look, I know that something happened at the meeting, and that it was probably bad. I don't know if you know what happened, or even if you did something, but I'm calling you because regardless of what you've done, you know him the best. He trusts you. Even if he's angry at you, could you talk to him?"

".. Are you sure that's it's a good idea?"

"Hmm", he verbally shrugged. "It's the best one I have. I'm only getting people who probably didn't do anything and that America is on good relations with, like really good. About two other people. I thought about China, but then immediately changed my mind. It will still go on without you, but I think that Alfred wants to know that he's not hated, especially by you. I think Alfred would really appreciate it." He told him when and where, and then he hung up.

Korea was an idiot, but to be fair he didn't know that _everyone_ did it, and what happened. If he did, he probably wouldn't speak to him. Neither would Alfred. Poor Alfred.

He didn't even want to do it, and yet he still did it, just because Russia threatened to make him look like the one who planned this. But it was himself who caused this, even if it was by accident. Even if he thought that there was no other way, and that Alfred wouldn't notice because he would be in a coma. It was all his fault. Alfred will never want anything to do with him.

But he wants to apologize regardless. Even if Alfred doesn't accept it, even if Alfred beats him to death, he wants to apologize to him, and not to clear his conscience. He just want to show him that not everyone hates him, that he's done nothing wrong, and that he even loves him.

Even though that didn't stop Arthur from creating this mess

* * *

 _I'm sorry for not saying when I would post the next chapter. I'll post the next one in two days, and the one after that even sooner. Thank you for following me, I want to thank you so much. This is an unofficial sequel to another fanfic, but if can guess it or what happened to Alfred, you can say, though after I reveal you can't. I'm sorry. Have lovely lives!_


	4. No More

Alfred had no idea why Matthew sent him a letter to come to the meeting hall. He knew how much he hated meetings now. Another thing; why send a note telling you to talk when you could just write what you wanted to say on the note? Maybe it was supposed to be private, but since they practically lived together now, wouldn't it make more sense to just tell him before leaving to go there, or at least wake him up to tell him? Whatever. It was obviously important, or Mattie wouldn't go all this way to talk to him. Especially because he could just say screw it and bail out at any time.

So he ended up going to the meeting hall alone. The note said to go to the room two doors down to the bathroom, but he was savvy enough to wait this time. There was no tiny window in the door, so he decided to open it all the way for him and potential witnesses to see what was inside.

A room just like the last one appeared. There was no escape, except for a few small windows. His heart and body were on fire. Then he spotted Korea, who was there for some reason. He didn't know too much about Korea, even though they were friends. After all, he thought that he knew _them_. It turns out that he didn't. Sensing his distress, Young Soo smiled. America wasn't going to make that same mistake again. He began to close the door.

"What're you doing?! I just wanted to talk to you without any interference, and now you're already trying to leave!? Sheesh."

America took two steps in, holding open the door. "Where's Matthew? Did he have anything to do with this?!" He thought could trust Mattie, his brother, friend, and only person who cared if he lived or died. Mattie couldn't betray him. He didn't leave him when he thought he did, though that made him an easier target for England, the second he got so weak. Mattie loved him. Mattie cared. He would be alone otherwise.

"Do with what? Listen, I just wanted talk to you alone. That's all. Not beat, murder, or anything like that. Just talk to you. Ask you what's up, because, America, you're worrying me."

"How am I worrying you? W-w-what d-did I do wrong?!"

"That; you're acting as if I might hit you. Your dependence on Canada, which is draining even him-"

"Alfred, I've never known you to be dependent on anyone, especially your brother."

America turned around. England was walking towards him. Could he smell the fear on him? Was he going to grin sadistically as he - _Please, God, save me_.

Alfred leaped backwards, bumbling towards Korea and almost touched him before moving away. The two glanced into their eyes. He tried not to show how hurt he was by this betrayal.

"E-E-En-Engl-England, wh-what a-a-are you d-d-doing here? I-I-emI-I-I/em-I t-t-t-t-t-t-ry-ry-rying to f-fix the ec-c-conomy, b-b-b-b-ut I n-neEEd m-more time. P-p-pleas-se-se, I n-need more t-time."

"I don't want to talk about that", England coolly replied.

"I-I-I-I-I'll do be-better, just please, just please, just _please_ give me more time. I-I'll fix this crisis in a month if-f y-you want it."

"Alfred that's not-

"A week then. Th-th-that's good. I-I'll fix everything in a week, I w-w-will. P-p-please, I-l'll fix everything. It wi-ill be like n-nothing ha-happened. Please. I b-beg you."

"Al"-

"America, we need to talk", said France, leading in Japan, Romano, and Italy. How many of the people from before were going to come? Was this all just to distract him, were they really going to do _that_ again?!

"I thought that we were doing this one by one. Don't you know that you're only going to frighten him!?", Arthur said angrily.

"You wanted America to yourself? That isn't we are here. You know why we're here" said France.

"Yeah, to finish up loose ends. I, all of us, can't turn back" said Romano.

"L-l-l-l-l-loooook, I-I-I see th-that you guys are p-p-p-planing s-something, but is it really that necessary?" _Please, God, help me._

"Yes", was the response, chanted angrily in unison. Alfred started to choke on his spit.

It was going to happen again.

"America? America?"

"America!"

"Alfred!"

All he knew was that he was running, to where was unknown. He leaped over the chair, and started to run on the table. Time was distorted, he couldn't tell what was going on. They were distorted, they didn't make any sense now. _He_ was distorted, running away from a fight he should win, from people he knew. He wanted to get away, the moment he stopped was the moment he-

Even reality was distorted, as the table was dragging him to his death. Was this a dream, a nightmare? Everyone was pulling the table towards the blocked exit. Everyone had betrayed him. He was not dreaming. This was a nightmare, and he was in Hell.

He screamed and jumped off. He tried to run towards the door, but their filthy bodies covered it. It was actually going to happen _again_ , he was going to get hurt _again_ , and destroyed _again_ and _again_ and _again_ and _again_ and _again_ and _again_ until time stopped and all had died.

Everything already had died. Trust, dreams, love. Them. Him.

Hope.

There was no point to anything anymore.

Alfred finally stopped. Stopped running, screaming, hoping, all of that. Once again he trapped. Canada was gone. emThey/em were here.

It would happen again. There was nothing he could do. Nothing to stop it with. Nothing to fight for. He spied a window.

If a nation was fragile while an accident happened to it, like a bad economy, or an assassination on a leader, it would die. A fall out the window could count. It had to.

… Korea was confused; did America go into shock? Why did he freak out like that in the first place? Even when he was angry, the younger nation didn't hit people. That was something that he had to learn about life; friend aren't always going to be so patient. What was up with him, acting so scared? They were his friends, they just wanted to talk to him before he freaked out. He had to ask him what was wrong.

But then he saw Alfred's eyes as he looked towards him (or perhaps the window) for the first time in a while, and saw that they were… disturbing. His normally happy blue eyes were a dead grey that held no happiness, just there, existing in despair as defeat drowned out the hope.

He knew that Alfred wanted to die even before he ran to the window. But he underestimated just how tired he was from the sadness, and fear that was becoming realized. The flames were approaching ever closer to overcoming him and his fear of death. Im Young Soo just didn't realize how eager America was to die.

"Alfreeeeeeed!"

It landed with a thump. England started to cry, the first time many in the room had seen him do so.

"Alfred, what have I done?!"/p

Walking gingerly, like he was in a nightmare that might take hold and consume him, Im Young walked to the window. He saw his friend's body. He was too shocked to cry. He only whispered, "Why?"

"Darkness filled them. It was sunny outside. Bathed in the light, Alfred started cry. Why didn't he die? It was just going to happen again. He was going to die eventually. " _Why not now?_ ", he yelled with all his strength. Korea picked him up. He didn't hear. He didn't hear. He didn't know. The happiest man in the world tried to die. Murder himself. He didn't know why. He didn't know.

 _"Why did this happened?"_ Young Soo started to cry.

 _Does he cry because he care, or only because you're too weak to defend him? They don't care about you, only about what you provide. They will destroy everything you are and care about to get what they want. They wouldn't care if you died if it got them what they wanted._ Darkness entered his heart, his mind rationalizing it.

Everything thing he loved and had fought for was had died.


	5. Realization

America almost died. America almost died. America, the United States of America, Alfred F. Jones, tried to kill himself. No person actually drove their friend, hell, Young Soo was more of a dysfunctional ally, to suicide.

But at least Alfred was a nation, so he wasn't going to die, just spend a day at the hospital. He wasn't going to visit him, though. You don't just drive a person to suicide and show up asking how they are. America actually flinched at his touch (though that may be because of the broken bones) when he tried to help him up. Alfred wouldn't even look at him, only climbing straight away towards the roof. _Is he that angry, is he that upset?_ Neither did the other nations look at him, their faces filled with a look of shame that he didn't even know could be so entrenched on a person's face. _Are they ashamed of you? You were the one who brought them here, all of this was your fault._ Even Mat- Canada didn't look him in the eyes, also wearing the same ashamed look. _Even he doesn't want to deal with you._

Though maybe he was just tired, because he apparently only called the ambulance and didn't come in. But maybe he felt like he didn't need to, because his brother would be safer there than near Young Soo. He honored the unspoken wish and didn't go. It wasn't nice to press your desires on other people regardless of what they felt.

But he still felt as if he was somehow betraying him, magnified even more when Lithuania came in and asked where America was.

"At the hospital. The plan to cheer him up… didn't work."

"What happened?" he asked with a tired smile. He expected the answer to be amusing. His face falls into shock when Young Soo says that it was a suicide attempt, and then hardens. Lithuania is going to be mad at him as well. "What the hell happened!?"

Young Soo sighs. "I don't know, it was blur. I don't why either. I just talked to him, and his friends came… then he panicked. Jumped."

"There has to be more to it than that!" he says accusingly, angrily. _I know you did something, and you're going to tell me what._

"I already told you, America was panicked when I brought his friends in. He was nervous when he saw me, as if I was going to- as if I wanted to hurt him. He ran around and then jumped out. You can ask any of the others, and they're going to say the same thing. I don't know how I caused this." Young Soo buried his face into his chest, but rose when he felt Lithuania pat him on the shoulder, his features softer.

"So you really didn't do anything, America just stressed out when he saw them?"

"Yeah. I knew that something happened at the meeting, but I chose them because I was sure that they didn't do anything…. I failed."

"It isn't your fault. It's not your fault at all. It's their fault for whatever happened. You tried to help a friend. You did nothing wrong."

"If I did nothing wrong, then America wouldn't've tried to kill himself." Young Soo buried his face into his chest again. "I did do something wrong."

"But you're not the cause of it, and that's what worries me." Young So looked up and sees Lithuania thinking, worrying. Realizing. "You didn't try to make him upset, it was just warming up something that was already volatile. You showed him his friends, and that was enough to make him…" He pauses, and Im-Young taps him, making sure that he's alright before Lithuania's face freezes into horror.

"What did they do that would make America so upset that he tried to kill himself? America is a strong man, so whatever they did, it must've been horrible." He turned to Young Soo, with hatred and anger already blooming in his eyes, but not directed at him.

"We're going to talk to Alfred to find out what happened."

* * *

 _Thanks Ella Rose1 for the review. I like reviews, everyone can review._


	6. Breakdown Breakthrough

No one cared that he almost died. No one even called him when he was in the hospital with broken bones. He knew that his attackers, the people who… betrayed him wouldn't come, but even Matthew wasn't there. Maybe he really was tired of taking care of him, as said in the rant, but he didn't think that he would leave him for dead. Of course, considering what they did, maybe it just showed that he wasn't as powerful or influential as he thought.

He really was alone. He didn't have any kind of power anymore, and everything he was before would be overshadowed by what happened, so he couldn't even retreat into the past. But at least he didn't have to worry, didn't have to constantly protect and hide like a rabid animal what happened, afraid of what of others would do, constantly trying to protect a dead legacy while he was lying on the floor, bleeding. So even now he couldn't rest, unless he really wanted to give up everything.

Even if was all to protect a fake him.

So he was surprised when they came in. Canada still wasn't back, and he could only think of excuses for so long. But it was night, so he probably was going to have to come home soon. Unless that really was the last time he would actually see him.

Korea apologized about what happened _As long as you also don't betray me, I'm fine_ before giving him a dessert- Yakgwa. Medicinal confectionary, Korea explained. Finally, he asked what happened.

"Nothing".

"We know that someth-"

"It wasn't that bad, okay?!"

"OKAY?! Alfred, you tried to kill yourself! It isn't okay!" Lithuania was fuming, with tears in his eyes. Korea hugged him before he could shout again. Instead, he just whimpered "You tried to kill yourself, it isn't okay."

"Don't worry, it only happened once. It will have only happened once."

"Once is more that enough, America. Once is all it-"

"I know!" he growled, before he realized that _they_ were angry, that people are evil when angry. People punished when they were angry. Even if you knew them all your life and loved them with all your heart, they still would betray you in the worst way. How could he know if they-

"America, tell us what happened."

 _Talk. Just talk. They'll never bother you again, no one will ever bother you again. There will never be that same 'you'. Just give up who you were._ "No."

"No? But… why? I thought we were friends, I want to know what's wrong." _He can't help you, no one can undo this. They just proved how how weak you were and broke you just a little bit more. Besides, why should you trust them? You trusted_ them _, and you knew them for your entire life. How do you know he won't take advantage?_

"It's nothing, I just-"

"Tried to kill yourself, just fucking Tuesday for you", said Lithuania, a scowl on his face. _I've never seen him like that, even_ they _didn't look like that when they_ -No. _I wonder what_ he' _s going to do-_ No _. Even you don't what he's going to do-_ Please, just stop, what did I ever do?! _You didn't appease them._ … I thought they loved me. _They didn't. They loved the you that you thought you were. The one they destroyed before your eyes._ I'm still here, I'm still here! _How long are you going to protect an illusion?_ Stop talking! _Are you willing to die for it again?_ Shut up! _Are you willing to-_

"America, what's going on?!" shouted Lithuania as he stood up. _Fight or flight. Fight or flight. Your wings are broken, you can't fly._ Shut the fuck up. _You're too weak to fight._ Shut up. _Otherwise it wouldn't've happened._

"America, is this you making some arrogant stand, trying to be standoffish?! Because it's not fucking working! You can't make the whole world dance around you, you are not that fucking special! So speak, stand up, do something!"

"Lithuania, I think that's enough. You're stressing America out." Lithuania just shot a look of venom at him, his once calm hands shaking in anger.

"America is not a goddamn child, he can't destroy people's lives like this with concern for others. He has to be responsible and tell us."

"But America-"

"But America isn't this weak, or self centered. America affects and cares about others a lot, and deeply. He affects everyone. America may be young, but even he's not this blind to his weaknesses, like hiding this forever. America is not a coward! America is-"

"Not a hero."

"What?" Both of them turned to him.

In a small, fragile voice, childlike… weak, he repeated. "I'm not a hero. Heroes are… good. Bad things don't happen to good people. People love heroes. People are nice to heroes. Heroes are good and… strong. Everyone wants to be a hero. But I… But, I…" He could feel tears form at his eyes. "I was a child. A weak, naive child. I failed. Heroes don't get raped."

"I failed", he said, finally crying, finally revealing the pitiful him. "I failed. I failed, I failed, I failed, I failed _failed!_ _failed! failed! failed! failed! failed! failed! FAILED!_ I'm nothing like a hero, I failed to be a hero, to be what they wanted me to be, what I was supposed to be, and I got raped! I got raped. This is what I got. Fail at the _one_ thing you were supposed to do, the _one_ thing people actually bothered to even think about you for, and _this... this_ is the result? The whole FUCKING world fucks you?! Ha… Ha, ha, ha, _ha-ha"_ A tear ran down his face. "The whole WORLD fucks you, even your friends. Why? Why?… Why was I so _stupid_? Why did I trust them, why didn't I get my head out of the clouds? If it wasn't for that, then… then it wouldn't, then no one there, even Arthur wouldn't've-"

"Wouldn't've what?" Korea asked innocently, like he once would've. So naive that even though the answer is obvious, he just can't see it.

"... Raped me. Punished me like a bad child. A child who had to be punished to see the world as it is, and his mistakes. Even if you lose all your friends and get-". He fell to his knees and cried. "... But I'll fix it. I'll fix it, I swear to God I'll make thing right, but, dear Merciful God, why, why did you do that? I thought that I wasn't evil, so why did you do that to me? Am I evil, because I don't think even evil people deserve that. Was it because of the economy, or was the economy a sign? I'm so sorry for whatever I'd done, I'm so, so sorry, just please take it back."

"I don't want to be an adult" he whispers, crawling into fetal position. "I want to be a child. Being an adult is scary. I'm not a hero, I can never be a hero. I'm not good enough to be a hero. Being an adult is scary. Being an adult is scary." He finally breaks down into sobs, his hands covering his face as if that could protect him from the world. With that... the superpower America had died, and Alfred was crying in the ruins.

Until he saw that smile _so full of pity_ and an extended hand that seems more likely to pull him downwards than up. Korea's eyes are filled with such a sad look, just so full of disappointment and _pity_ that Alfred averts his eyes.

"I'm fine, you don't have to do anything."

"We'll do anything to help you, _poor_ Alfred."

"Just...Just… Just please don't pity me, okay? Before this, before _all_ of **this** , people… people used to envy me. _Envy_ me. Envy _me_ , and it was easy to see why: rich, handsome, happy no matter the **fuck** was happening, smiling like a moron, too damn naive to see the world, the _real_ world, the one with consequences that punishes you for your fuck ups. I had a pretty good life. People envied me, admired me, hated me, and boy do I now see how much hate can do. But now… but I would do anything to get that back, because you see… I'd rather be hated than pitied, even it meant _that_ , because… I've already dealt with it, you know? I can handle it this time, maybe with less crying or wimpiness. I used to be strong before, and strong people don't cry. I've lost that though, and I don't know if I can go back. I've lost everything, except… except, I've never been pitied, people never thought that my life is so terrible that they would cry, that they would rather be anyone else in the whole damn world than me. I don't care if you hate me, want to kill me, or anything else. If you were actually jealous, I would be glad -I actually have something that other people would want. Just… just please, just please, just please don't pity me. Then I really would have nothing, nothing at all that's left to fight for.

"Hey, that's not true, what about your friends?" asked Korea.

"Could you tell me who they are, because I'm not sure of anything anymore, especially who I trust."

"What about me, dammit, I'm your friend!? I've never betrayed you, I don't betray anybody. Why don't you trust me?"

"... I've trusted you, and you never betrayed me. I also trusted Japan as well. The same with Russia, even with bastard I wasn't even paranoid until nukes were involved. I also trusted China, Germany, Prussia, the Italies, and… England. He was one of the first faces I've ever saw, Korea, and don't think I'll ever forget him, even if a million years goes by and the sun explodes. He was my first friend." _Don't you think I trusted him more than you, who's almost like a stranger in comparison? If I couldn't trust him, then why should I trust you?_

"Because... I'm your friend? Because.."

"Are you starting to hate me? I know that you don't like me, since that they didn't like me, and if even he didn't like me…" America punched Korea in chest, crying as he swung his arm. The hollowness of it hurt his heart much more than his nerves.

"What was that for?"

"I'd rather have you hate me than pity me." Another one landed, just as hollow.

"America, stop it! You're just making me want to cry."

"I don't want you to cry. I don't want you to pity me. I want be respected, or even admired and loved. But … no one loves me. I love Canada, but I don't think he loves me. I thought he liked me, but… he doesn't seem to even want to be around me. It's like he's always uncomfortable near me… Maybe he feels disgust-"

"Alfred, we're not disgusted by you. We don't hate you. We like you. Your brother loves you. He just probably doesn't know how to deal with this." Alfred looked straight at Toris, and saw that he didn't look angry, ashamed, or disgusted at him, only stern. Not a stern look of a lack of sympathy, but, rather trying to deal with it all and not letting it get in the way. "Alfred… You're our friend, and… while we can all be irritating to each other at times, you are our friend. Nothing will ever change that. What happened isn't going to make us pity you or lose all respect. I just wish that you told us sooner."

"But what could you've done? You can't go back in time and change it, so it wouldn't have-"

"Alfred, I had that meeting because I wanted to find out why you were upset and cheer you up." Im-Young offered a sheepish smile. "Of course, I expected for it to go better, but still. I don't want you to get hurt, and not because I depend on you in some way, but because I really like you. You're our friend." Im-Young offered his hand again, and this time... This time America grabbed it.

Even if he was broken, maybe he wasn't completely alone.

* * *

 _The rapists do get violently punished. At least, some will. But also legal trouble, probably._

 _How come the last chapter made people figure out what fic this was based on? Was it a certain line or something? Anyway, yes, this was based off the Financial crisis gang bang comic, or the FCGB comic. Before I wrote all of these stories, I was really struggling on being able to write even one story at all. I don't know why it was activated for that particular fanfic, but it just was. No one asked for this, so I double don't know why, though originally in my story it was all just a dream. But then I saw that it was already done, so I thought "Why not a straight version that just follows what most likely happens?", and here we are. I hoped you liked this so far, and yes, it's not over. Today I briefly thought about ending it here, but then I thought "No". This won't be updated as quickly in the future because I have school on Tuesday, and the last fic took three months, but that was a fourteen chapter fic, and we're already on the 5th chapter. I don't know how long this will go, but not too long, though that may change or what you think is long is different than what I think is long. Anyway, you either found this chapter sad or so awkward and dramatic that you rolled your eyes. Try commenting on how it made you feel, because I won't be a banshee that'll haunt you and go "WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S OVER DRAMATIC!?" Speaking of reviews, I want to thank you all on reviewing, as I like it, and you are wonderful (probably a bias though). Anyway, good night._


	7. Strained

"Why didn't you tell us that your brother was raped?!" Lithuania demanded, forgoing his semi-civil attitude that was used to bring him here.

 _Because it's my fault. No matter how hard I try, I can't fix it. It's unfixable… and all my fault._ "... I would if I thought that it would change anything."

"But you knew that your brother was raped, that he tried to commit suicide, and you just _walked out_?"

"... I was tired." _Tired of forcing myself to smile all day when we're both miserable, of walking on eggshells to avoid my brother crying, of not getting a full night's sleep because he wakes up screaming with nightmares, of looking into those sad grey eyes. Of creating what I'm tired about. Of failing him regardless of what I do._

"If you were tired, then why didn't you tell-"

"Do you think that they would understand!? That the strongest nation in the world got raped!? Do you think that anyone would understand?! Do you think that anyone would understand that this was allowed to happen?!"

"What do you mean?"

 _He knows that you're a monster, that you've betrayed your brother. Everyone will know…Why don't you know?_ "I meant that no one found out about this until it was too late, and that none of America's allies who knew stopped this. They told me that they wanted to apologize to Alfred's face, and that they didn't know that this would happen."

"Wow, they apologized!? Gee, that makes up _**gangraping**_ someone they've known for _centuries_ , huh!?

"... I'm not apologizing for them, only that sometimes you don't know how the actions you take play out."

"Yeah, it's not like rape _always_ causes permanent harm that never heals, and people everywhere do it _all_ the time for shits and giggles, especially on their _friends_ , and it's _never_ used to hurt people! No, it's supposed to be a practical joke! … YES, THEY KNEW WHAT THEY WERE DOING, SO STOP DEFENDING THEM!"

"... Okay" Matthew said meekly.

"That can't undo this, no amount of 'I'm sorries" can undo this. Alfred will forever live with the fact that the people that he trusted the most gangraped him. The least that they could do is live with it. You know what, I'm going to get Korea and he'll… Hey, have you seen Korea?"

"No. Did he leave?"

"Well, I was occupied with my thoughts, and I actually haven't talked to Korea since we learned what happened to Alfred. Last time I saw him, he asked Alfred who the attackers were, and… Holy shit, he's gonna kill someone!

* * *

 _Mikutan fan, what was that fanfic called? For the past few days, I sort of struggled writing this one, even though it's really short and mostly unnecessary, but it was partly because I didn't know what to include in this chapter. The next one will come in a few days. Also, how come I only see comments when a chapter was really recently added?_


	8. Smooth Criminal

Young-Im was slashing Japan, full of violent schadenfreude and hatred. It wasn't just wrath that he was feeling, but disgust and betrayal. It was one thing to betray someone, and another to betray someone for a reason _so_ stupid reason that you just want to kill yourself from living on the same planet as them after they made amends with the world and turned over a new leaf. Not only was he _so_ close Alfred, to the point where Alfred liked him more than anyone else in the world, and not only was the reason _so_ stupid, but it was done in such a violent, disgusting manner that Young-Im felt that he would always see that man as lower than demons, and was happy at finally giving him what he deserved.

But then China showed up, opening the door.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, ARU!? WHAT THE GODDAMN FUCK IS GOING ON!?" Young-Im then charged at him with the sword, but China grabbed and broke it. Young-Im tried wrestle him, but China started to beat him with his fists. "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING THAT TO JAPAN FOR!? YOU HAVE A TERRIBLE RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM, BUT-"

"I know what you did." China stopped and Young-Im swore that he shivered. China never shivered.

"What?"

"You and everyone else at the meeting gang-raped Alfred over the economy. You probably kidnapped him as well to keep as well to keep him from revealing it."

"You know as much as I do about the kidnapping. I have an alibi about the kidnapping, but not England."

"So you're so desperate to push blame that you blame it on England?"

"He was also one of the rapists as well, mind you. Russia approached me telling me that it was already decided, but I didn't know that it was rape until England came and did it. In hindsight, I don't think that Russia actually wanted to rape him."

"But do you admit that you wanted to hurt him over the economy?"

"No! I didn't want anything to do with this, but Russia dragged me in. I just went along with it because I didn't want to get hurt-"

"You're the strongest nation in the world besides Alfred! Why didn't you beat them up or speak up?!"

"What would've happened after that?! There would still be angry rapists, but this time they would go after _me_!"

"Then why didn't gather Alfred's and your allies?"

"ENGLAND, and FRANCE was there. If _they_ were going along with this, then who else was left?"

"Then why didn't you call the cops?!"

"What if they figured out that-"

"But why didn't you try _any_ thing?! All I know is that you didn't really care about America because if you did then you would've done something."

"It's easy to criticize when you aren't the one in danger."

"So are you just a fucking coward then?! Because in all of my existence, I never thought of you as a coward!"

"I am not a coward!"

"Then are you an idiot, because apparently you never thought that they would want to do it again if they could get away with it the first time. Sure, this time it was just America, WHO HELPED SAVE FROM BEING CONQUERED BY JAPAN, but what if the next time it's me, or Mei-Mei, or _you_!?"

"... I didn't-"

"You didn't think, did you? The moment you were threatened, you dropped all courage and integrity, and did whatever you could to save your own ass. I had admired you since almost my entire existence, but what you've done is enough to make me wish that I've never met you. With that one act, you've proved that you're unloyal, a coward and willing to sell out your morals and friends if it's to save your ass. So fuck you then, just speaking to you disgusts me." Young-Im picked up the bloody sword pieces and walked out the door. He hoped that Alfred was all right.


	9. Tired

Matthew didn't notice Alfred sneaking in scissors. He couldn't constantly watch over him, or they would both be lifeless. It was a little tiring always being with Alfred. Not that it was undeserved. If anything, he should have it worse. America trusted him, without him it wouldn't have happened. He should've just said, "Don't go, they'll hurt you", instead of "Are you sure, I wouldn't". He wouldn't do a lot of things, even if it meant saving a friend or just being able to stand up. If he had done that and said everything, then maybe he wouldn't have gone. Then maybe none of this would have happened.

They would still be frustrated at him, of course, like he probably would be. But at least they could also have been relieved at not doing that, being as free as his lungs would have been, not dragging to hell as heavy as lead. Free, and happy. Even though they wouldn't be sleeping near each other, a barrier would be lifted between him. It just occurred to him that in both scenarios that he would never be happy. But that was okay; people had suffered through worse. Maybe it was part of his punishment. If only…

But wishes were fishes, no one would be hungry. Besides, wishes were for kids who needed the world to manage for them to be happy. He wasn't a kid anymore; this wasn't the land of wishes. Reality had consequences for the liars and people who couldn't do what the others wanted.

So he didn't notice what was going on until he thought that Al was taking a long time in the bathroom. Fearing the worst (as always) he immediately went to the door and asked what was taking so long. He heard muttered cursing and the sink running, and the swish of something sharp.

Alfred…

He burst through the door, and saw that Al was covered in a dark, watery liquid, especially on his head. Matthew screamed.

"It's only hair dye, I was trying to dye my hair! I didn't want to be naive anymore, and I wanted to be able to deal with the world-"

"Alfred… Alfred." The hands on Matthew's face started to feel wet.

"Mattie, what's the matter?! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I won't do it again! Please don't leave me Mattie, please don't leave me!"

His brother, his twin once again tried to destroy himself, who he was. Alfred never actually really cared what other people thought of him. He was always convinced that he was good as he was, that he should strive to do better but that he should do it in his own way. He was letting the only good man self-destruct, destroying the golden haired child. "Alfie… promise me that you'll protect who you are."

"Huh?"

"Promise me that who you are now won't change to appease others."

"But… I don't like myself as I am now. I'm miserable, paranoid, cowardly, and before I was naive, dumb-"

"You are not those things. You are smart, kind, and beautiful inside and out."

"I wish I wasn't attractive."

"That not why they-"

"THEN WHY DID THEY DO THAT?! THEY DIDN'T DO IT TO YOU, OR ANYBODY ELSE! THEY DID IT TO ME! … What did I do wrong to make my friends do that to me?"

"They're not not your friends, you didn't-"

"So people who I've known for centuries aren't my fucking friends?! People who I've traded with, mimicked, fought for and with are just a bunch of strangers? Then who can I trust?!"

"... You can trust me, or Korea or-"

"Korea's never done anything to me, but how do I know that that won't change in the future? I told him that I was raped! He _knows_ that I'm easy picking."

"Young-Soo went up and beat Japan because you implied that he was one of your rapists! Of course he cares, he risked WWIII for you!"

"But he hates Japan. I'm his military ally, so of course he did that; _he_ can't risk getting attacked. He also didn't do it to someone he already didn't despise, so of course he doesn't care. If anything, he probably just wanted an excuse to beat him."

"But I love you. Even if you're cynical of everyone else, you trust _me_ , right?" If he didn't trust him, then there was no way to help him, but Matthew doesn't know how good it is if Alfred _does_ trust him. He isn't good, let alone able to be the guy for Alfie. He really doesn't to hurt, so if Alfred really does-

"I trust you. You're the only one I have left, after all."

His heart almost fails, his mind screaming from the fear, frustration and guilt, but he doesn't even blink. Alfred hugs him and goes to bed to lie down before kicking and screaming himself awake from the nightmares, and Canada doesn't even say good night.

He just cries.

* * *

" _If who I am is what I have and what I have is lost, then who am I?_ " Anonymous

* * *

Also, I try leaving at least two day spaces between chapters because I want it to be shown in the updated section as much as I can. Thank you all for the reviews, especially Ellarose 1. Good night.


	10. Perfect

Alfred had to be happy. If Alfred wasn't happy, he would kill himself. Then Matthew would feel as depressed as he felt guilty, which would last until the end of time, and he'd want to die himself.

So Alfred had to be happy. That was why when Alfred woke up, he saw his favorite shirt and jacket laid out in front of him, and on the table were American flag napkins with a bacon, pancake, O.J., and coffee breakfast. His brother was putting on the finishing touches, adding a tiny U.S. flag on the pancakes before he noticed his brother. Alfred started to speak, but Matthew cut him off by hugging him and saying that he loved him.

Alfred asked why he was doing this, and Matthew said that it was just to show how much he loved him. He said "Okay", sounding unsure. Whether it was the reason or that he was loved was not mentioned. Alfred started to pull down his pajama pants before realizing that his brother was there. He asked if he would leave. They were twins who shared the same body, they never really cared before. Matthew rushed out. Alfred switched his clothes, feeling as if he was stealing clothing that really belonged to someone else, the one who everyone respected and admired, the one who Matthew really cared about, the one whose name he had stolen. The mature, strong virgen. He drank the O.J. that his brother made just for him. It was bitter. He finally cried.

This was how their day started.

Once he allowed Matthew back in, he began to talk about their plans for today. They would drive to Yankee Stadium and watch a game there, walk through Central Park on their way back, and go to Dylan's Candy Bar. Die Hard was on T.V. tonight, so they would watch that after dinner. It was the perfect day.

Like a teacher responding to his young students, Matthew asked if America had any questions. Alfred asked why he was doing this. Matthew grew a confused smile and hugged his brother. "I love you", he said. This was the second time that day.

It was supposed to be a twenty minute drive there. There was no traffic. But Matthew kept pulling out to show off semi-famous landmarks. Here was the 92nd st Y. _Another place to train myself so it doesn't happen again._ Here's the Islamic cultural center. _They also hate me._ Here's poor Richard's playground. Hey let's be kids. Kids who can drive and play at parks whenever they want. Innocent, happy kids who are blind about the world, so naive it hurts when thinking back, kids who are convinced that they will be forever protected and loved just for being them. _I'm not a child, I'm… I don't know who I am._

Finally they arrived at the stadium, with still some time to spare. They could've planned ahead, gotten here earlier and skipped everything, no use delaying the inevitable, but no. Matthew was determined to stretch out everything as long as possible. He didn't know why, because Matthew seemed pretty busy, considering he kept looking at his phone and kept looking as if he wanted someone, anyone, to call him and take him away from him.

… Did he have to make even his brother miserable? What did he ever do to him? Anyway, the game lasted just over two hours, a very thorough beating. He was surprised why they didn't just give them mercy already. Matthew bought him a hot dog and an ice cream, and trying to force the long, sweaty warm meat into his mouth was torture, while shoving the disgustingly soft cream that just went everywhere, he couldn't get it out!- well, he prayed to the porcelain god to take away the disgust that resided in him.

They take a cab to central park. Matthew points out the plants and animals that Alfred has seen a million times before, but yet he can't really see or feel, like the faded colors of an old painting, forever lost, before he tries to indiscreetly watch for his cell phone to call and summon him away.

They look at the Onassis reservoir- _Hey, Alfie, it looks as large as an ocean from this view_. When Alfred was younger, dumber, he too would've confused something so insignificant for something so important. They go in the Metropolitan Museum of Art- _Just faded objects that aren't of any use, people only act like they like them because it's a ritual. Just expouse it to the light, and it's ruined forever-_ and they go to the cafe. Matthew immediately informs the waiter that they're too young to drink. He wants Alfred to enjoy everything, he doesn't want everything to be dulled by alcohol. The only thing alcohol can do at this point is dull the pain, though.

Matthew drags him to the ruins of someone's prestige and power, Belvedere Castle, where anything that was once beautiful and worthwhile has long faded away. Matthew also tried to bring him to the Victorian amusement park, but Alfred swore that he would vomit going near those rides. He doesn't want to remember the past, especially England's latest Golden age. So they walk the few blocks to Dylan's candy bar, and all the sugary saccharine with the candy and the soulmates and children who are so excited and naive crush his mind and make his heart go fast, and-

Even though he barely ate anything the whole day, he ends up vomiting a lot. After dirtying himself, exposing the filth inside of him, he runs to the farthest most corner and hides, embarrassed and terrified beyond belief. Not only did he expouse such dirtiness to those who just wanted to be happy, but now they were going to get their revenge! He gagged from fear, but couldn't vomit anymore. There was nothing left in him anymore. He was hollow and empty.

Matthew came, saying some words, but most important was that he wouldn't let anyone hurt him. Even if Alfred was weak, at least he could be dependant on his little brother. _Wimp_.

So after buying a hoodie so Alfred could hide himself- _coward_ -they bought some candy and left.

Mattie kept looking at his phone, practically saying saying that he cared about the phone more than he did then about Alfred- _phones can't fuckup like you can_ \- and kept showing off that lying smile that said that he indeed was focused on little Alfie, that he loved little Alfie, and that he would do anything for little Alfie. _Hey, maybe he does care._

 _Only because he feels strong doing this, having a former superpower depend on him. He doesn't actually love you, no one does. Why won't you realize that, you naive twit?_

 _Because the only reason why I'm living is for Matt. Everything I had loved and worked for has rotted before my eyes. I can't feel happy or enjoy anything, I'm paranoid about everything, and I don't know what to even work for in my life. I just want to rest and sleep. I don't want nightmares, I don't want to be half awake everyday until the end of time, I don't want to wait for it to happen again, and I just want to be loved, to have something that I can feel proud about, and be safe. Even if there's nothing after death, it's better than this constant agony._

 _What if you go to hell?_

 _I'm already in hell. If I'm evil, then God won't punish me. A good God wouldn't allow this._

 _And if you're good?_

 _I'm not good. There's not one good thing in me. I am worthless, inconvenient and abhorrent. Everyone wants me to die._

 _Then why don't you die?_

… _Hope. An inkling that maybe something will eventually get better in the future, that there is something redeemable in me, and that if I work hard enough, then maybe, just maybe, Matthew will love me._

… _Very implausible._

 _More implausible things had happened before. This one can happen._

… Matthew seemed intent on waiting by the corner of the hotel for a bit of time, before he looked happily at his phone and dragged them up. Opening the door to their suite, Alfred saw several fruit baskets.

"Welcome home Alfred, we love you!" cheered Matthew, his face falling when he saw that it was fruit baskets. Before Alfred could ask, Matthew went to the bathroom and spent fifteen minutes yelling on the phone things like "Why didn't you say that you weren't going to come?" "Don't you know how disappointed Alfred is going to be?", and "So why fruit baskets?" He finally walked out and said that he expected for his allies (let face it, even Matthew can't say that he still, if he ever did, have friends) to come and have a party, but their plane got canceled. Matthew didn't mention making up an excuse for them so they could come, so he either just hoped that they would come for no reason, or he did tell them and that's why they didn't come.

Matthew said that Die Hard was going to start in an hour, but he could help with the burgers so they're made so Alfred likes them. Alfred said that the last time he had a burger, he vomited because that's what he had right before the rape, and that it doesn't matter how he makes it because he can't really taste anything anymore, that it's either bitter or bland, and that it's like he's being slowly suffocated and that he can't fully feel anything anymore, his being being compressed. That, and he'd just fuck it up.

So Matthew says "Okay", and starts cooking while Alfred goes to his bed and wonders if he really did fuck up his relationship with Matt. He could say that it was a lie, but Matt would wonder why he lied and not trust or like him even more.

Matthew calls him for dinner, and it's some sort of salad. It honestly does look like it was thrown together, but maybe that's just him. But when he sees what Matt prepared himself, which… looks like care was put into it…

He really did fuck up. He could complain that a salad isn't really filling, but he doesn't really notice his hunger anymore. It's always there, but it's at such a low frequency, and he's so tired that he doesn't notice unless he or someone else tries changing it.

So he eats the salad, determined to not let Mattie's sacrifice go to waste, and watches a movie where he sees just how far someone would go to save the one they love.

It brings a bittersweet smile to his face. He could do that for Mattie, since he's really tired, and in between the nightmares, he can imagine someone doing that for him.

He almost feels happy. Going to bed, he dreams that he is loved.

* * *

" _If who I am is what I have and what I have is lost, then who am I?_ " Anonymous

* * *

 _Please comment. Thank you._


	11. ulcer

_I'm a murderer._ Even dreaming, Alfred mumbled, asking for love and happiness. Even dreaming, his brother couldn't just be. He killed Alfred, his brother. Slashed those happy blue eyes into grey chips. Cannot taste, feel emotions, sleep, dream. Al can't trust, and if there's no trust then there's no love. Numb and isolated, Al is basically dead and he was the one who murdered him.

Solid guilt pulls Matt's heart to his stomach, feeling sick, and all the types of badness. He hates feeling sick. Spending the day in the monotony of overdue paperwork, it numbs his screaming mind and rotting body. Until he hears that subdued voice trying not to break, and those dead eyes too tired to cry. Nearly vomits and cries when that happens.

* * *

It comes to an end, the meeting, and as the other East European nations leave after discussing security, Toris wonders about Al. Only a couple of days left before he goes home, but he can't stop wanting to help him, making sure that he's safe. Even though Al has Matthew, whom seems like a tireless angel. Toris probably would've been tired and incompetent at it at best, and exhausted and an accidental murderer at worst. It would be impossible to do all of their work, and take care of Al. Frankly surprised that Matthew had been keeping up so well. So he should've noticed.

Should've noticed Matt's lethargic movement, like he wasn't getting sleep or he was afraid of breaking something. The intensity and frequency of his yawns, or that he seemed to smile just a bit too often. Should've noticed before Matthew called him to come over and was slouching on the messy bed, like he just woke up. The shirt was slightly burned with an iron but wrinkled, like someone tried to straighten it out before failing, and just let it get wrinkled. The clothes were the same as well, like he was afraid of ruining what was left. Like charcoaled remains that can stand the weight of the world until the faintest touch crumbles it, Toris asked if something happened to Al, and Matt just fell apart.

* * *

"... So you want me to look after Alfred?"

"I'm not helping, I'm only tiring myself out as well. When I look at him, I feel..."

"Feel what?"

"... Bad. Pain." He turned his head down to his side, allowing it to fall near his shoulder. "Enough so it is a little painful to breathe, and I can't think. Even if I didn't feel like this, I still think that I wouldn't be good at helping Alfred."

"But you took care of him nonstop since it happened!"

"Excluding the part where he got kidnapped when I was with fucking France, or when he tried to kill himself, I'm the brother of the year."

"Why were you with France?"

"... I wanted to find out what happened. I... don't want to talk about it."

"What did he do?!"

"To me, nothing. Just told me something terrible. He didn't do anything physical to me. ... Oh my God, I wish that I was the one they r-"

"No, you don't. You're feeling bad because you feel his pain, so wishing for a first hand experience is just insulting and dumb. Why would you wish for more of what makes you miserable?"

"I should've just-"

"There was nothing that you could've done. You can't see the future, so don't act as if you did."

Minutes pass, neither speaks and Matt barely breathes before he finally says "Please be better than me", and goes to the bathroom. Toris hears something like a Tums case being opened, and the sound of someone taking some. His hands shiver slightly, and he lightly taps his foot.

But he will fight for Alfred.


	12. Missing

Alfred will not die. Alfred will not get hurt or kidnapped. Alfred will not be alone, or even feel it. He will not let Alfred down. Lithuania rises from his bed thinking this over and over in his head, and he immediately heads to Alfred's room to avoid a repeat of last time. He opens the door, and finds that it has already happened.

Last time he wasn't afraid of Al being kidnapped or hurt in any way. Including dead or raped. Holy shit, he probably went to kill himself! Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit _Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit! Fuck! He's going to die, and it's all my fault! America is going to be dead forever, and I murdered him! I kill, k-kill killed him! His blood is forever on my hands, and he's already dead._ He vomits from the guilt and passes out.

* * *

... The airports hadn't seen him, and Matthew hasn't answered, being on a plane. Alfred's own brother is just letting him deal with a repeat of everything, that fucking...

It's really his own fault that this happening, isn't it? That which causes Alfred to runaway and get hurt. Is it his carelessness? Laziness? Selfishness? Sheer apathy for others? That he's so incompetent that Alfred is right to fear him? He feels something heavy in his heart that weighs his entire body down and feels like it will rip it apart, which he guesses is the disease that made him harmful to Alfred.

* * *

... No people found drowning in the rivers or in the subways. Not like these could kill a nation, but Alfred tried once before. Matthew finally got back and said that he and his boss hadn't heard from Alfred, so he's probably not in Canada. Alfred didn't try to kill himself either... unless he was at the bottom of a river! Holy shit! He calls the marines, unsure how to explain this, and as he waits on the phone, he wonders. Unless it was spontaneous, which was probably not, Alfred would probably give a suicide note about how he was a waste on everyone's time and that he was so weak that he didn't think that he deserved to live. So if Alfred didn't want to kill himself, or try to get to his brother... Then why would he leave? If he wanted to be alone he could've just asked to be left alone... Unless it was the opposite.

Maybe he wanted to be found.


	13. Why

America, Alfred was terrified, coldness permeated through him that wasn't from icy wet clothing when he swam to Liberty island. He was afraid of everything in the world, but also furious about this, and hateful for his 'allies'. Especially the ones who caused this. Terrified of change and stasis, of ideals and cynicalism, of hope and despair, and most of all about people.

Especially the ones who raped him. Matthew left him. Matthew left him to _die_ because even he couldn't handle him.

 _What sort of brother leaves the other behind with a random person whose name he doesn't know?_

Of course he's tired _,_ I'm a load on everyone's life! I'm worthless, useless. None of them are bad.

 _They acted like your friends._

They _were_ my friends until I failed.

 _ **They** caused everything from the economy to your rape to your remaining friends leaving you. You didn't deserve to get raped. **They** deserve it._

No one deserves to get raped!

 _Not even them?_

I wasn't careful enough, I should've-

 _Raped them first._

No!

 _They raped you over the_ global _economy._

I had the most responsibility-

 _And they're guilty as well. They raped you first, and if you don't do anything, they will rap-_

They wouldn't.

 _The already almost did. Do want to hide forever, or do you want to live and breathe?_

He wanted to live, but no amount of hurting them would would undo it. He wasn't hiding only because he was scared and mad. Mad that everyone betrayed him, or most importantly that he was too weak to not be dependent on others. Dark thoughts ran through his mind, sadistic enough that in the beginning he almost hurled thinking of them, and while he was still ashamed of having them, enough that he wondered if he deserved all of this for having them, he still sicked them out on his rapists in his imagination.

He wasn't only there because he was scared and mad and ashamed. When he saw Toris climb up the face of Lady Liberty to reach him, he realized another reason why he ran away.

He wanted for someone to reach out for him.

* * *

 _This was inspired by by_ Beautiful Lie _, which can be found on the Hetalia Kindex under the financial crisis gang bang tag and the song_ Missing _. I got the grey eyes from the fic as well. It's short, but every time I read it I cry._


	14. Subconscious Evil

Blood was the only thing covering the defiled corpses. Ames Abandonato, 20, Italian-French. Todd Shiro, 17, Japanese German. Ivan Wang _Just like Russia's and China's names_ 24, Chinese-Russian. Peter Alden, 23, English. All the suspects claim no ties to gangs or nationalist groups and deny that it was a hate crime, despite accusations of many saying many anti-foreign insults. Abandonato, Shiro, Wang and Alden were walking near the United Nations, on the stairwell when the suspects said that Alden insulted America by asking what was wrong with it. _What is wrong with me, how could I've let this happen?_ One of the suspects approached Alden, asking what he meant by that remark. Alden replied that the population seemed angry and mistrustful, and he didn't expect this from such a carefree people. It was at this point that suspect A hit Alden repeatedly and suspects B, C, D, E, F and G restrained Abandonato, Shiro and Wang. Suspect A then started saying that the reason why America seemed like that was because of the actions of other countries. Suspect A said that such countries betrayed America's trust and deserved _No no no no no! No one in the whole WORLD deserves that_ to be punished. The rape-

Alfred almost drops it to floor. Even if it happened to someone else, reading _that_ would probably make him scream and vomit. How the hell could his citizens do something like that? They didn't even know what happened, but somehow they still felt it. This was only one in New York, but what if this was happening all over his house and this was just the start? The thought made him feel sick, but even worse was the thought that maybe he had something to do with this. Sure, he had nothing against those people, but considering the sheer sadism of his violent fantasies, maybe his citizens were responding to it. Citizens' actions were the subconscious of a nation, their actions reflecting the nation's feeling and thoughts. But he didn't even hurt anyone, so why the hell was this happening?

"Alfred, are you okay?" He turns and sees a smiling, worried Toris with his head to the side while scratching it. "I don't know what I can do, but if want something of me, you can just go ahead and ask."

Alfred just smiles and says "It's fine" before worrying about what England and the others will do. They'll probably know about this because their citizens got hurt in a politically important moment. It's one thing if a random person got hit by a truck, but if it's a crime that makes international headlines, the whole country will know about it in minutes.

So what were they going to do about it?

* * *

 _Thank you for all the followers! I tried reading a doujinshi on Facebook, but I got reminded of the comic to find much enjoyment in it because I looked at the comic on Facebook. I only read it for the last two stories and this one. i guess I wasn't expecting to make a scrifice that would take even more enjoyment out of me later. Oh well. This isn't a comment worthy chapter, but you should comment later on, if not now. Also, I'll be less late with updates, but how often do you want me to update?_


	15. Where is the Light at the End?

"So what do we do?"

"I... don't know" England answered.

"Then what was the point of this meeting?!" said Prussia.

"I wanted to inform you all on what happened-"

"We all know what happened and why" said Germany, slowly and with rancor. "What the international community doesn't know is why we're panicking. They _know_ that this doesn't happen, and they will want to know _why_."

"Okay", said England. "Does anyone have any ideas on what to do now?" The room exploded in fear and anger.

"Why should _I_ know what to do?!"

"Wasn't _he_ the one responsible?!"

"I haven't even slept without a nightmare since then!"

"What the fuck are we going to do?!"

"ENOUGH" shouted France. "Yelling won't get us anywhere, nor will blame flinging. We have to be calm-"

"France, I'm afraid whenever I open my door because someone might say 'I know what you did' at any time. I'm... afraid that I'm going to get arrested, or that America or any of his friends will come and hurt me. I'm afraid of a third World War. I'm afraid... and I don't know how to solve this. This wasn't supposed to happen" said Russia.

"I don't know if Spain will ever look me in the eyes again. I feel so guilty that it _hurts_. I barely eat anything because I might throw it up."

"I would be wary of guilt, Romano", said England. "If you feel guilty you might end up doing something you regret in order to start over." He took a deep yawn.

"Did you get any sleep last night?" asked France.

"I laid in bed for nine hours. Alba noticed that I seemed lethargic and made me go to bed early. I don't know if he thinks that I'm sick or depressed, but he keeps on showing me pictures of cats to cheer me up. I just know that he probably won't want to talk to me again if he finds out."

"What exactly happened?" asked Japan. "I think that we hurt America, but why would we have nightm-"

"Japan, weren't you at the meeting?"

"I believe so. Also... what was it about?"

The room was silent before China said "I think that he developed amnesia or something. The first few days afterwards he had trouble concentrating and was prone to throwing up, but afterwards he never mentioned it and acted as if nothing had happened. I thought that maybe he was just a good actor with a small conscious, but he seemed to have absolutely no idea why Korea attacked him. Even when I told him that it was because of what happened at the meeting, he still had no idea why."

"So do we tell him?" asked Italy.

"... Yes." said Russia. "Everyone participated in it, and he's also responds-"

"I don't think anyone should have to deal with the burden of being afraid of everyone, including their friends", said Germany. "I was nervous coming here."

"Yeah, no one wanted to do it" said Prussia, "and I think at the end that everyone turned really mad and started to blame him for it, so that's why it was really brutal."

"It doesn't excuse anyone", said France.

"Well, _you_ were the one who brought the prop."

"Anyway", said England, "It's time to-"

"Why the **hell** did France bring the prop? I thought that it was spontaneous" said Prussia.

"Wasn't it Russia's plan?"

"I didn't want to do that!" said Russia.

"So why did that bastard bring it?"

"Maybe... maybe he thought that's what Russia meant" said Italy.

"So why didn't he tell anyone?" said Romano.

"Wasn't England the one who did it?" asked Russia. Everyone in the room glared at England and France except Japan, who was looking at them curiously. France coughed and tried to say something smart while mumbling and making pleas while England just let his head fall.

"I misunderstood France, I think he was drunk, and he only said 'assault' without clarifying. I didn't want America to experience it but thought that there was no way to stop it, so I decided that date rape that you didn't even know happened was better than a conscious gang rape. I don't know why the drug didn't work, maybe it doesn't work on na-"

"I didn't know what you thought was going on, but I knew that you would try to stop it" said Russia. "Yeah, I blackmailed you into getting the drug, but that was only so you wouldn't squeal later. What if you gave him something like cocaine that would make him strong and angry? I used a different drug. If you did use a different drug and I changed it, you would still be charged as an accomplice and thus wouldn't tell. I'm not an idiot."

Everyone was silent before Romano spoke out. "SO THIS BULLSHIT HAPPENED FOR NO REASON AT ALL! IT WAS STUPID MISCOMMUNICATION?! FUCK YOU, FRY IN HELL, AND MAY YOU EAT YOUR SHIT FOR ALL ETERNITY." With that, he walked out. Eventually, everyone else also left and decided not to tell Japan what happened because they thought that no one deserved to hear that they raped their friend for a stupid reason. That, and he would probably forget again. So everyone left and France wondered if he should tell them but decided not to, because it was all in the past.

Why get an extra person in trouble?

* * *

 _I added the quote "If what I am is what I have and what I have is lost, then who am I" to chapters 2 and tired and perfect because it really goes with the story's sense of lost and loss of identity. It was in the book_ Seven Habits of Highly Successful Teens _when they talked about the cons of being stuff centered, because it could be lost in a fire or get ruined in other ways, but it fits really well with this because Alfred feels that he isn't strong or valuable, and is just a weak parasite who a lot of people hate. Thank you for reading, I hope it helps someone. Please review. Have a lovely day._


	16. Forgotten Past

_I'm writing the next chapter today. Didn't know what to include, wondered about sequencing and ultimately cut out at least two chapters._

* * *

"So what did I do? What did I do that was so terrible that even if I had a thousand years, I still couldn't fix it? That irreversibly destroyed America san?"

"... I don't know" said Taiwan, trying to concentrate more on her swinging legs than anything. She put her ice cold hands to her head. She had a headache and her stomach hurt. She just wanted to sleep on the bed. They were at a Japanese hotel so no one would overhear them because the last time Japan tried to talk to her China came in and suddenly got very angry and protective. At first she thought it would be fun because it was like a spy movie with all the intrigue and secrets that only you could solve. Now she just felt tired and was unsure if she even wanted to learn anymore of this. Nothing made sense, especially the more she 'learned'. "At least you feel bad about it."

"Only sociopaths don't feel bad. It means nothing. That I still feel bad even though I don't know what happened is an omen."

"It's probably not because you feel it, but because of the other things."

"Like Korea san trying to kill me or America san trying to kill- Forget it."

"Who did America try to kill?" Korea already tried to kill Japan, so that should be the end of it. But Japan refused to say, so she ended up repeating to the point where she was screaming when he finally said "Himself".

Time itself died, and the more she tried to comprehend, the less she understood. America almost died? She almost lived in a world where he wouldn't exist? This almost happened and she didn't even know? How was it possible that someone so happy could kill themself? She last saw him like two weeks ago, you can't just invert your entire personality quicker than it takes for milk to rot. "How? Why? Why?... You're lying... Why are you lying?"

"I'm not lying. Why would I-"

"I DON'T KNOW!" Her face was already hot and she felt tears stream down. "I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE LYING! ... Why are you lying?" she whispered at the end.

"I'm not lying. ... I wish that I was lying. I wish that none of this happened."

"Then could you tell me that? I really wish none of this happened, I just want to forget-"

"Forgetting won't help, forgetting can't help. It only lets the weak ignore their punishment and allows evil to regrow. I guess no matter what I've done, I shouldn't forget. It would be like a final insult to America san."

"If you can't fix it, then what's the point of knowing? All you do is give yourself pain."

"... I don't think that I can ever fix it or redeem myself, but maybe I can do damage control. China san tried to shelter me by covering my ears when England said 'a deit', but I don't think that was for the best. No matter what, I can't shield myself any longer. I have to fight for America san and-"

The phone rang and Japan picked it up. Someone was panting heavily and seemed to be crying. Softly, they repeatedly said "I'm sorry, so sorry" and "I wish that you killed me" until Japan asked who it was and what happened.

It was Romano. "You know how Germany said that he was paranoid of everyone at the meeting today? Veneziano secretly put sugar in Germany's coffee and Germany thought that he was about to be drugged. I never really trusted that potato bastard, but now it seems that he doesn't trust me as well. Or Veneziano... Anyone, actually. I went to Spain because I was just... sc-cared of them. All of us. Even myself. I couldn't even spend an hour with Spain before confessing, and even including what I did to America, it was the most uncomfortable hour of my life. Spain knows, and the news is going to spread like wildfire soon."

"Do you want me to tell the others?"

"... Nah, they can rot in Hell for all they want. I just wanted to talk to someone who wouldn't yell at me, call me a monster, ask what was wrong with me, and wouldn't try to kill me. If you want, if you really, really want, you could ask Spain what happened. I'm pretty sure that he's told half of Europe by now. Just do me a favor: if you see me lying beaten near Spain's house, please drag me to somewhere secluded.

I don't want what happened to America to happen to me."

* * *

 _Please review_


	17. Doubt

"America's been raped?" asked Scotland, starting to stand up from Ireland's sofa.

"That's what everyone in Europe is saying" replied Ireland. "What do you think?"

Northern Ireland and Wales started to deny and simultaneously express horror when Scotland said "That's _stu_ pid. What can kind of bleeding moron would make that crap up? If you wanted to ruin someone, there are more plausible rumors to make up."

"Romano admitted it-"

"He talks big, but he's still a young guy. I don't think that anyone here is that bad or stupid. I mean, if people find out, then what? You're about as big a pariah as Nazi Germany. What would anyone get out of this? How would such a thing be poss-"

"Magic or drugs. Romano mentioned Russia and... and Eng-"

"Arthur's not a backstabbing rapist; he's our little brother. Sure, he's been sad the last week or so since-"

"He had that meeting with America! America was gang raped by everyone in the meeting! That's how it happened!" said Northern Ireland.

North Ireland never really knew his siblings for that long, a century more or less, but he would never fathom such a venomous, murderous look.

Finally, Alba just sat back down and covered his face with his hands. "Is everyone but me an idiot?"

"Well, how else do you explain America going missing or England's depression? Even if it's not true, what is everyone supposed to think?" asked Ireland.

"Maybe we could hold a trial to find out what happened" suggested Wales.

"That sounds good, unless it turns into a media circus and giant political mess. I'll try asking some of the accused and America."

"But what if America lies by saying it didn't happen? I don't think that he would admit it to just anyone" said Northern Ireland.

"If he's very paranoid and angry or suicidally depressed, then I can tell. No matter what happened, I'll help him through it."

"So if he was raped, then how do we make him take it to court?" asked Wales.

"We either do a libel on behalf of the U.K. or we tell America that he should based on his love of justice. Of course, it's all probably just rumors, but even if there's a chance that it's true, we should do something."

With that, Scotland walked out before Ireland said "If you want to find Japan, go to Spain's house. Apparently he's unconscious."


	18. Fog on the glass

_"America was raped, wasn't he?"_

At that point it all shattered, the hope of happier times, the hope that things could be fixed, that anything would ever return to how they were before to the illusion that he would never do anything evil again.

Kiku immediately fainted.

 _Why? Why did this happen? Why would the other nations do this, why would... Did_ I _also do it?_

Why wouldn't I? If everyone else was doing it, then what could I do? If they were doing something that drastic, than maybe he-

 _I don't anyone in the world deserves that. Especially someone who didn't even do anything. What sort of monster am I?_

If it was over the economy, then America must had done _something_ wrong. They wouldn't do it to just _any_ one, right?

 _They said in the last meeting they it was spontaneous. What if it happens again?_

It won't happen again. They learned their mistakes.

 _What if someone else is raped? I can't stop it because I'm weak. It could be China, or Korea, or Mei Mei, or ..._ I _could be raped!_

They wouldn't rape me, they wouldn't resort to-

 _If they did it once, then they'll do it again! What if_ I _did it?! ... I really don't want to rape America._

I wouldn't rape him, he's my-

 _If it was either me or him on the table, who would I choose? ... I don't think I'm good._

No body got hurt, it was all-

"Liar, liar. I know something happened to America-".

Something shook him violently. Once they stopped Kiku saw that it was some red haired nation who looked similar to England. Dammit. "Japan, what happened there? Also, you're Japan, right?"

"Yes, I am the nation of Japan."

"I'm Scotland, and while it would've been nicer to know you more under some different circumstances, I need to know if something happened to America. ... Nothing happened to him, right?"

Kiku was scared; if he didn't say anything, and there really was a rape, then it could happen again and again and again. If he did say something, he could be punished with rape. "I would check on it yourself with America."

"Did you do anything to America?"

"... I really don't know. I hope no-"

"Did England do anything?"

England? He remembered from the recent meeting that England was apparently the man who jumped into it. "If anything happened, then England may've caused-"

"So nothing ended up happening. That's good. I'll go home now, bye Japan." With that, Scotland left. Kiku looked around and saw as soon as Scotland disappeared from sight, he was completely alone.

More than ever, he wanted to hold Alfred's hand.

* * *

" _If who I am is what I have and what I have is lost, then who am I?_ " Anonymous


	19. Nothing

_Nothing happened, Japan proved it._ Alba's hands were jittery, but clammed up when he wanted to call America. He had a hard time breathing as well. Maybe he was sick. England was sick, for some reason he started smoking again and he rarely ate or slept, and it didn't affect Ireland or Northern Ireland or Wales, so-

Nothing had happened. The meeting with America will prove it. He tells everyone on the way that he's going to see America so he can socially force himself to go.

If something _did_ happen, did everyone think they had a choice, or did they not want to do it? _If anything happened, then_ _England may've caused-_

No, nothing happened. Sure, he wasn't always nice to his brother and they had some wars. He wasn't the gentlest, but he did know loyalty. Even if he was a ra- England was not a rapist. Arthur was his little brother. _Is_ his little brother, and always will be.

There was no one there. Calling whatshisname, Ca- Canada. America's little brother. After demanding to know why he wants to see him, who he's going with and what he's going to do with him, Canada says that he will call America and they will arrange the meeting. Apparently he was having some secret meeting that he thought that someone might've found out about, Canada said, and since he's in D.C., then America will meet him there.

That sounds like a lot for what is supposed to be a simple meeting, Scotland thinks as he waits outside the entrance to the building. What was with all the precautions and the interrogation? Why was Canada being so protective?

Paranoid. Canada was paranoid. People are only paranoid when there is no reason, otherwise it isn't paranoia. Just protectiveness. Maybe Canada was always like that. He didn't really know much about Canada, most people didn't. But he knew his brother.

He never saw America enter, but a plainclothes guard told him that he could come in. When he entered the room, he saw a very pale America who seemed to be fidgeting with wide eyes. It was a narrow room where America was closest to the exit and Scotland had to sit far away in the back. Once he sat down, Scotland managed to blurt out his question. "Did England do anything at the meeting?!"

"What are you going to do depending on my answer?"

"... I... I'm..."

"Then why did you come here?"

"I just wanted to find out if the rumors where true, and that you really did get raped. And that England raped you as well."

"You don't want to find out, you just want to hear me say that nothing happened. I understand that you want the people you love to be the same forever, but sometimes the people we love make mistakes, and sometimes they're unforgivable. I'm not saying that they're evil-"

"THAN WHAT DO YOU CALL A BACKSTABBING RAPIST?! YOU CAN'T LOVE SOMEONE IF THEY DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT!"

"I don't know why they did it-"

"So it happened?! You... You admit, you _say_ it happened?"

"What would you say-"

"I don't know what to say! I don't _want_ you to have been raped, and I don't _want_ my friends, and especially my brother, to be a rapist! I want you to be lying, and yet I can think of no reason for why you would not immediately refute this unless it was true. Nothing makes sense, and no matter what happened, things will never be the same again. I just want everyone to be as carefree and happy as they were before. England raped you, but he's also depressed, and while I feel deep shame for him I can't stop loving him. He's my little brother, and... I don't know what to do."

Scotland stood up and walked towards the door. When he was finally next to America, he said "Could you ask England why he did this because I don't know if I can do that? If you want, you can have a trial against him and the others because more people are spreading rumors, and I don't think I've seen this much fear since WWII." Alba left the building and was greeting with formerly green grass almost black and wilted. Were they rotted to their very core, or were they just dead inside? All he could think of until tomorrow was the dead green of the grass and his brother's eyes. _It doesn't mean anything._

* * *

 _If who I am is what I have and what I have is lost, then who am I?_ Anonymous


	20. What to do, Where We Are

"Europe knows. ... What do I do?"

"Depends on what you want to happen", answered Lithuania. They were in Alfred's hotel room, with Alfred slouched over on the bed, his short hair covering some of his face, his hands like claws at the side of his head. Toris was sitting on a stiff, fragile wooden chair that was by itself as neither Matthew nor Young So were there. "Um, I have a question... Why aren't your closest friends here to-"

"Matt and Korea abandoned me! Matt just left me to rot while Korea left because his boss wanted him home. Apparently his whole reason for coming here was to make me sign an old document that I never signed! I thought he cared, but he was only doing it for convenience! The only reason anyone wants anything to do with me is to get something out of me! If I tell Europe that it happened, then they'll laugh at me, say that I'm just an arrogant upstart who got lucky, and belittle me for the rest of my life while taking advantage of everything. They'll treat those fucking, annoying, horrible WHAT THE FUCK WAS WRONG WITH THOSE SLUTTY RAPE FUCKING FUCKERS as _heroes_ , and make them in charge of everything! Everyone will just call me a kid, and everyone will use me!"

"... Are you really that cynically warped? No matter what is with the rapists, the rest of the European countries aren't that... evil."

"If everyone thought that it was wrong, why did they do it?! You don't commit the ultimate evil act for no reason. They either did it because they felt as if they had no choice, or ... They knew that they could get away with it. They lied about being my friends, and..." Alfred froze in mid thought, and Toris felt scared as he saw a man who was deathly cold seconds ago slowly being replaced with pure fury.

"Uh-umm... Are you all right?"Toris asked.

"If I don't win, I'll kill those fuckers."

* * *

 _Did some people not notice that there was a chapter eighteen?_


	21. Briefing

The massive jump in suicides meant something horrific happened. The president got the raw data yesterday, and considering that they had started a week ago, it meant that it was going to be drastic; the cause and the amount of dead. He had no idea how to approach this with Mr Jones, considering that it was obviously a sensitive topic, and that he might shut down completely, so he was relieved when Jones came to him. That relief quickly vanished when he saw how timid Alfred was, how his small voice seemed scared. The normally large and boisterous late teen on the edge of manhood was pale and sweaty, and as he sat down in front of the desk, his face down and was twiddling his thumbs... He looked like a small, ashamed child scared of punishment.

"So, Alfred... what brings you here?"

Alfred seemed more nervous, but otherwise like he hadn't heard. His shoulders kept rolling up and down, but after a few minutes he stopped. "How can you tell if you did something bad?"

If you started a war, I would know. But nothing happened in the news. If you fought in horrific wars, then what happened?... "If you hurt someone, that's bad. You're a wonderful man, so you didn't-"

"Please stop complementing me. What if they get so mad that they do something that feels even worse to you? It probably wouldn't justify their anger, but if they always called you impulsive and irresponsible, and they always were kind and patient and loving... Why did I have to be impulsive with the economy? If I wasn't impulsive, if I hadn't done anything, then..."

"How we handled the economy didn't justify what they did to you. It's the global economy, and while you're the leader, they can't blame everything on you. If they hurt you that badly, then they're not your friends."

"... Ok. But they were my friends before, or at least they acted like it. Maybe they just didn't know that it would affect me that bad. I mean, even _I'm_ surprised at how badly I'm taking this. I'm like a whiny, over dramatic idiot who can't stop talking or thinking about it. I experience it every night in my dreams, stuff that reminds me about it makes me feel sick, and most of all like I died. I feel frustrated and angry, but it's as if it's being thought by someone else. Like I'm in a play, and my role is Alfred. This isn't happening to me, this is happening to Alfred. This world isn't real, it's just a horrific fantasy. I feel like I'm in a dream and I can't wake up."

"... Okay. They _definitely_ went over the line. I don't know what happened-"

"I got raped."  
"... ... ... What?"

"I got raped." Alfred was staring at him now, his eyes tearing a hole into his mind. He couldn't think. By the time he came to, Alfred left and he saw a note on his desk.

 _Dear Mr President,_

 _Yes, I got raped. I haven't been keeping track of time, but it happened at the last meeting I had. It was with the G8 minus Canada, but with Prussia and China. It happened on the day you asked me what was going on. I don't have swine flu like you thought, but I do feel really sick. I even get nosebleeds a lot, and it's taking me longer to heal. A little bit ago I fell out of a one or two story window, and I had to spend a whole day at the hospital. Maybe I'm dying, or I've sorta lost the will to live. I feel alone. Lithuania convinced me to take them to court because they could do it again to me or someone else. I'm still sure that Europe will congratulate them on setting me straight, and sometimes that makes me feel depressed. Other times I want to skin them alive and light them on fire. I shouldn't like_ _bastards_ _people who think like that. I'm sorry for causing you a lot of stress and trouble._

 _By who ever was in your office just now. Am I Alfred or America or no one. I don't know._

He was surprised that he didn't scream. He still fainted though.

* * *

 _Thank you elanda and Overlord201315 for favoriting and following my stories._


	22. Allies and Fears

Okay, he had told his boss what happened, so he could now take them to court... how does he do that? You can't call 911, so did he just talk to a judge of international affairs? Should he go to the U.N. or something? If he asked _them_ to stop, they would either do it again to him or someone else. Plus, he didn't even have any evidence other than Mattie walking in when they were done, and who knows what Matthew would do. Maybe he would help him out, or maybe he would just say 'screw it'. Maybe he could talk to his boss, though he probably was still in shock, and it might be even more awkward.

... Oh yeah, there _was_ other evidence; the photo France took! France probably deleted it, unless he was fapping off to it, that perverted, slimy, disgusting, horrid WHY CAN'T THAT BASTARD DIE! RIP OUT HIS FAT AND TONGUE, AND MAKE MAKE HIM CHOKE IT! GORGE OUT HIS EYES, AND-

He didn't like this angry feeling. Well, murderous wrath. It wasn't healthy for him, and he didn't want to suffer because of them. If he was hurting himself because of them... Calm down. Maybe he could sit in a park until he felt less angry.

On his way there, Alfred wondered who else he should tell. Europe knows, so they probably wouldn't disbelieve him. Just congratulate his attackers. Those fucking... Hey, he was finally at the park. He felt like a child, marveling a little at the scenery. He saw a seesaw and a swing. He never got to ride on a seesaw. He was too old for it when it was invented, and now that he wasn't even close to pretending to be an adult, he had no one to be with.

He got on the swings, and as he was riding he felt as if he was constantly between two things, but never able to reach either. Adulthood, childhood. Maturity, innocence. Vengeful, weak. Hate, love. Independence, loved. Maybe people can have both of the last two. Doesn't feel like it, though. Don't have either. Maybe he could go at it alone, but he would really like to have some sort of support. Maybe he should tell someone, if only so they don't hear a distorted version from Europe first. He should definitely tell Israel since he lived nearby Europe so he would probably would hear about it sooner or later. Plus, Israel could stop it from spreading to the middle East or Africa, or at least tamper it. Morocco should also be another one, if he was focusing on making sure more of Africa didn't know. If he didn't want know the Middle East to know, then maybe he could tell Saudi Arabia-

He was planning on telling a lot of people, wasn't he? What if they couldn't keep a secret, or what if they would use it against him as blackmail? He could threaten to cut off military funding and other stuff, but they still had a trump card. Alfred was no longer swinging; no matter how hard he tried, he could never reach any place. He was stuck in the middle of everything where he had nothing.

He didn't like feeling weak, and he especially didn't like feeling weak and alone, and feeling as if he had to chose between being strong and being loved. He just wanted someone to care about him without some incentive.

His phone rang. His boss wanted to talk to him. He'll be there in a sec. Then Lithuania calls, and ask how the talk with his boss went. Pretty good, actually. When he is almost at the White House, Korea calls him to say that he's sorry that he couldn't do more, but he wants to help him in anyway he can.

... Maybe he isn't alone.


	23. Truth?

Kiku felt alone and confused. He still could not believe that he raped America. It was too surreal, and he couldn't even remember it. When he tried to, the 'memories' were so inconsistent and changeable. False, made up. He felt bad and dirty, even though he knew that America felt worse. He was alone, even though China took him to his own apartment so he didn't do anything "stupid". Which was code for suicide as atonement.

"Why do you want to remember what happened when you blocked it out"? asked China, sitting on the same couch as him, but as far away as he could.

"Because it feels too unbelievable to take without any personal proof. America san is a kind, strong child while I am his friend, an old man-"

"Who was responsible for what people call the "Asian Holocaust". Or what you did less than a century ago."

"... I know about that, but-"

"If you don't want to remember _that_ , then why do you want to remember this?"

"Because ... I sorta ... don't believe-that-it-happened."

"WHAT THE FUCK?! DIDN'T YOU SEE AMERICA KILLING HIMSELF?! I WAS THERE WHEN YOU RAPED HIM!"

"Could you at least tell me the positions we used? Maybe I-"

* * *

After noticing Kiku's crying, pitiable face, China stopped beating and yelling at him. Felt a little bad as well. So he decided to tell him what happened as compensation. "You sat under him, facing him. Then you laid down on the floor while I... entered in the back, as they say."

"So how did I rape him? If I sat under, facing him, then I don't think I could have done-"

"You did. Now shut up."

"Maybe I-"

China raised his fist and Kiku shut up. Then Yao shook his head and grabbed a beer from the fridge. "I hate how fucked up everything is. In my existence, I've never dealt with rape like this, suicidal nations, or doing something evil in some sort of group think that came from fear. I hate how everyone who knows hates me, and I hate how I have no idea what to do. This is making war in general sound simple. At least with that people know how to act, how to think, what to do. ... There isn't this 'All of us who did it have each other, but we're paranoid of each other', and 'I hurt a nice guy for no reason.' Yeah, America is really annoying at times, but he really didn't deserve any of this. ..." He sighed. "I just wish nothing happened, or that everything turns back to normal. I feel like I'm in a dream, and I can't wake up."

Kiku wanted to say something to his brother. Something that would remind him that he had a history with America, and not everyone will hate him. That even feeling about it made him infinitely better than the sociopaths and psychos who were incapable of caring, or those who were too defensive to ever admit to such a fault. He wanted to say that no matter what either of them did, they were stuck in the same boat, and that he wouldn't give up on him. Then the phone rang.

Yao picked it. His face fell. America wanted to take them to court.

* * *

Would you guys be mad if I revealed that Japan wasn't a rapist? I want to make it a little ambiguous in universe, though. I have a poll set up on my profile. It will help me figure out what to write next. I'm sorry for what I've done wrong. I'll update Monday.


	24. Nervous Alone

Once again, Alfred felt like he was going to choke on his dry tongue out of stress. Why did he have to tell the people closest to him?

Oh yeah, it was because they would find out anyways once the trial ended, and he can't say that he wasn't raped to Europe to shut them up and then later say that he was raped because they wouldn't believe him. Even if he put a gag order on the rapists about there being a trial, Europe might notice, and they were probably wondering why he wasn't saying anything. _Maybe because you will just laugh in my face and say that I deserved it._

Since people were going to know, especially since he didn't want them to hurt anyone else, and it's hard to beware of someone if you don't know that you should be afraid, his president said to tell the people that he didn't want to learn through the rumors what happened.

His president couldn't laugh in his face, couldn't say that it was hopeless to just be with with him, and break off all ties. But the people that he was allied with could. He was really scared that they were just going to laugh at him, or act as if he was the biggest liar in the world for acting strong, smart and competent, only to get raped.

It was scary when he thought of their disappointment and shame. Something was twisting his stomach, making him feel sick. It was easier to start off with two at the same time for now. Israel still depended on him, so he wouldn't immediately cut off everything because people would wonder why he was doing so, and he couldn't say without making a target as well, hopefully. Philippines because she was too close to China and Japan to stay safe for long. At least until the trial was over. But then she would be easy pickings, and get-

Alfred vomited on the floor. He should probably do yoga or something to get rid of the stress. Maybe being with Philly would be a stress reliever. A cute girl who was a tie to his past, when he was actually useful and strong, and could actually help people. Of course, he ended screwing her over. He screws everyone over. That was why he was raped, wasn't he?

He got a call from her, saying that she would be at his place in a little bit. He still didn't get anything from Israel, but maybe that meant that he just didn't give a shit.

Maybe nobody actually cared.

* * *

No one responded to my poll about whether they wanted Japan to not be a rapist. Or left a review saying whether they wanted him to be one or not. At least one of the rapists will be beaten up, and it will be in detail. I already decided that, but I decided to say that to people who wanted to see them beaten up. Though it's a little bit spoiled because I set this in a universe where they are just railroaded into committing a rape for realistic reasons instead of ... no reason real reason at all. Also, I'll post a new chapter on Friday because of school.


	25. You Used to Be

Nothing happened. Everything would fall apart if it did.

The rumors spread fast, and either because she was so close to America, or maybe despite it, she heard them. The rumors of him being violated fought against him being the one who violated and the ones where it was consensual. So because of the weak foundation and conflictions, she thought nothing of it, only that these guys really have nothing better to do than make up such stupid things.

But then she got an email from him, saying that it was incredibly important. It was something he wanted to tell her in private with someone else. She asked why he didn't just come over here if it was so secret. He said that he was ... afraid. He also asked if she would stay for a couple of days as well.

 _Is it going to involve your fear of Dora the Explorer? You are so hopeless at times._ Leave it to him to be afraid of everything that was harmless, and not be afraid of anything else. Of course, he _is_ pretty strong, so a lot of things weren't a threat to him. She just wished that he would see that.

She was expecting to for him be huddled under the covers, a scary movie on the T.V., and for him to say that he wasn't scared at all. Even though she would tease him about it and his blue eyes would smile, he would still say that the world's hero wasn't scared of anything at all.

His eyes were grey. A dark grey, like the darkness was swallowing up his soul. His face was wax-like, incapable of showing emotion. She had met a corpse, not her friend.

"Philly" he said, like even her name would escape him "Are you okay? Did anything happen to you?"

"No... Why?"

"I want you to sit next to me Philly. I don't think you can hear this standing."

This was nightmare, and she couldn't wake up. She sat down next to him, and he said, playing with his fingers "Someone else was supposed to come, but he wanted an extra day to do his paperwork. I just called him for no reason for him to come here for no reason. ... I do have a reason, but it's okay if he doesn't hear it. Maybe it will be less painful."

"Are you okay?" The corpse back to life and jerked his head around so fast with such a pained expression that she almost jumped out of her seat. Finally, he formed a genuine semi smile, and said "No one has actually asked me that, Philly. Not one person. It seems like you're the only person who cares."

"What happened?! Her voice sounds too fearful, too anxious. Nothing happened, nothing happened. The world would fall apart if it happened.

America just stares at her before he say "I didn't something I shouldn't have done. Because of that..."

Please God, Please God, Please God, let Alfred not be a rapist, please let him not be a rapist, please let him not be a rapist, anything but that, _please_ -

"-and that's why I got raped. ... Philly, are you okay?"

"Masama ang pakiramdam ko." The whole world turned black.

It fell apart.


	26. Nervous Again

Philippines was unconscious but safe and Israel was probably on his way by now, though he should've arrived earlier. Did he just not care about any of this, or did he think that only weak people got raped? Seriously, what the fuck was wrong with him?! Did he just not care?! Or did he think that he would be safer if he wasn't here because _they_ might just go "why not" and rape them? Why did everything he had had to be destroyed? Did he use up his good karma, or did God just hate him? But why was everything going well before this happened? Was it to just make everything feel even worse?

... Maybe he really _was_ bad. ... Maybe he should die-

 _KNOCK_ "America, are you done?" Alfred opened the apartment door and let Toris in. "Why is there a girl lying on your floor?"

"I told her. She passed out. I messed up."

"You didn't do any-"

"Then why did this happen?! Why did I get attacked by them when they loved me before?!"

"I don't know. You can't contr-"

"I can't control anything, can't I? My life, safety, friends, allies, enemies, body- Why don't I just give up?"

"Because it's easy. It's hard to resist evil and to fight for what you want, but it's worth it. That's why there're so few good people. Also, can I drag her to the bed?"

"... I'll bring her there." As Alfred picked her, he said "Maybe Morocco and Korea aren't safe either. I'll call them and ask them to head to Canada."

"But wouldn't it be nice to have them here to support you?" Lithuania asked.

"Yeah, but, I don't know. I want them to be safe, you know? Where ever is best for them is good. I don't know if Israel is coming, and Philly passed out, so I guess that's all I should handle." Alfred carried her to his bedroom after wondering about the sleeping arrangements. Toris would sleep in his bed, and he would sleep on the couch. He kept waking up and screaming during the night anyway. God, he felt so tired. Alfred looked at Philly's sleeping face, so calm and... what was the word? Restful? Alive? Whatever. She looked like a child, like how he looked like before. But he wasn't an adult, he wasn't mature. It's scary knowing that someone you love will get hurt if you aren't on your guard, especially if you're weak.

But he loved them and wanted to protect them. Even if they didn't love him back.

* * *

I publish a chapter every four or five days. I'll post the next one on Tuesday.


	27. One Way-Car Wreck

He called Canada, Matthew, his brother, twin, someone who he should be able to lean on and cry but can't. Maybe he was self-pitying, but Alfred didn't know how to stop it. His brain forced him to _rexperience_ it all the time, even when he was sleeping. He didn't know how to get over his rap-

assault.

Maybe Canada would be better at telling him how to deal with it.

"H-Hi, Mattie. W-would it be okay if-f some people came to your house during the trial? I-I'm really scared for th-them."

 _Do you also want me to be by you as you see everyone who betrayed you deny everything? Do you want someone, anyone by your side? Do you not want me there because I left? I love you, and I think that maybe they love you too. Why do we keep hurting you? Do you want to die? Please don't die Alfie, although I know too well why you would want to_. "Alfred, are you okay?"

 _I'm afraid that the people I love will destroy me or get destroyed. I'm afraid that no matter what I do, I will hurt others and remain miserable and alone forever. I'm afraid that this is now my life. I can't change anything. This will continue to death. I'm afraid of death. I'm afraid of dying. I'm afraid of living. Of hurting others and this unbearable grief. I'm paranoid and numb, unawake, unrestful. Never dreaming, resting, or sleeping. I'm in a constant eternal nightmare. I want to just crawl somewhere and disappear._ "... I don't know. Eh."

"Are you sleeping well?"

He stifled a yawn. "Meh."

"Just know that you are always allowed into my house whenever you want. If you need anything, I'll get it to you in a heartbeat."

America's smile appeared on Alfred's face like an apparition that wouldn't believe its death coming back to its body.

"Thanks Matt, that really means a lot. I really appreciate it."

"Eh."

"You're the only person that I trust. You're my other half, Mattie, my twin and better half. You're all I have left."

Alfred still felt a little sad when he hung up. Matthew almost burst into tears. What have I done?


	28. Nothing is Scarier

He saw the carnage, but not the monster that caused it. Even if he couldn't defeat it, he wanted to see what caused it.

The strong girl Philippines was in shock, and he didn't even get to speak to America. He sorta didn't want to. He looked unemotional, the very lively and energetic man. He was a robot clothed in flesh. He looked worse than when that plane full of people crashed into two buildings, killing three thousand, and launched him into a war that he was still fighting. At least a planee didn't hit the White House, his heart. Otherwise he might not'd recovered.

But at least America had his friends. None of who answered his numerous phone calls. Even the catatonic girl wouldn't say anything.

So Israel s̶t̶a̶l̶k̶e̶d̶ followed him to wherever he was going to so he could ask him what happened. Maybe he would ask when America looked relaxed and happy. He never got to ask.

America entered a place so nondescript that he didn't even know that it was high security until multiple guards started showing up when he took too long to take out his I.D. Even then it took a lot of arguing and saying that he was supposed to be there for one of them to actually do something. So he went in while being escorted by a guard, thinking about how to find America secretly when he saw an incredibly drunk England by a court door. Israel said that he knew him and was supposed to bring him to court. England sorta helped him by saying "Oh, you", swinging his arms and then nearly collapsing.

He carried/dragged England in a way that covered his face from America potentially seeing him. He quickly looked around the room and hid himself in a broom closet shortly after shoving England onto a seat. Finally, the court seemed to be starting. There was a little bit of court talk, yada yada, nothin-

"-Rape. Is that true?"

... WHAT THE FUCK!? WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON!? He started hyperventilating, then tried to calm himself down. It was okay, it was okay, it was okay, it was okay. Nothing happened. He was probably with a woman who got attacked, and he was testifying for her.

"Yes. I allege that they raped me."

Someone was on drugs, or this was some elaborate prank. Maybe he was having a nightmare. He tried shaking his head, tried to pinch himself, but he either wouldn't wake up, or he was too numb to feel anything. Why wouldn't he wake up?

Some guy who sounded quiet with some East Asian-ish accent said something about him not knowing what happened, but that he thought that maybe he didn't do anything. There then was a lot of yelling.

"Why doesn't the prosecution say their version of events?"

Israel was already feeling sick, but he was also curious. He also couldn't leave the closet without someone noticing, so Israel stayed and heard what happened.

America seemed nervous at first, and even though he couldn't see him, he could tell that he was fidgeting. But then America died, and ... something spoke in his place. It kept on some of his mannerisms of speaking, and the way he talked was casual and clinical. It sounded dead. The only expressions of life were how vivid his memory seemed to be, either because he rehearsed it, or because he kept on thinking about it. ... Fuck, America had PTSD, didn't he?

But the fact that America was probably permanently scarred for life wasn't what made him mad. Though America seemed unsure about why they were cruel, that their acts were so cruel, and their enjoyment at his suffering so intense-

Maybe this was righteous anger. Maybe this was murderous wrath and hate. He didn't care. He wanted them to suffer.

When it was done, he followed England and called some other, sympathetic people. Israel smiled bitterly.

* * *

No one gets raped. I kept the structure of the sentence about Israel being in the closet because considering that this fic isn't that light, I thought that it was okay. I finished this on Thursday, but still decided to post it on Saturday because; A, you guys wouldn't notice it; B, it would give me more time to write the next chapter. School is semi done, meaning that I will have to go to school to present projects, but no more classes. I'll update Wednesday, or Thursday.


	29. But I Thought I was h- It doesn't matter

"You are all I have left."

So after hurting, after leaving twice, letting England ensnare him, his brother would rather let the person who hurt him _twice-_

 **BAM**

He punched his left forearm. He didn't even think to do so, it was just automatic. Unthinking.

... That was how he screwed over everyone.

 **BA** **M**

 _England_ was better for Alfred, and _England fucking raped him_. **BAM**

Because he let England ensnare him. _Twice._ **BAM** He abandoned him when he really needed it. _Twice._ **BAM** And he didn't say anything to England. It didn't matter that France was incoherent explaining it to him **BAM** or that he thought that something different was happening. HIS BROTHER GOT GANGRAPED BECAUSE OF HIM!

... Rape.. Gang ... rape. That was the first time he ever used that word, and it was leaving him in shock. So he didn't notice another person who felt guilty about what they did to Alfred walk in.

Korea was also in shock, but over something much more trivial. Mathew's arm was almost smashed. Canada looked at it.

Bruises like dark flowers bloomed on his arm, bitter and painful to have planted, but at least they would bear fruit that would make him more prudent, stronger and upstanding. A good person. A kind person. Someone who loves and protects.

Dear God, why did this happen? Did this _have_ to happen? Did the universe depend somehow on his brother's rape? It _had_ to happen for _some_ reason, but he couldn't think of any. The universe made it happen.

But he could've stopped it.

* * *

This happens just after the phone call America had with Canada. In one or two chapters, Canada will explain what exactly he's talking about because you all know that he did _something_ , but he's not a rapist. This is a day later than I wanted it because at first I was going to write about England getting beaten up, but then there were changes. Originally in this chapter, Korea was going to talk, and there was going to be a conversation. Canada would also tell him what the hell happened. I'm sorry.

Also, thank you a lot, Camry72. I like your suggestions, and you unknowingly encouraged me. I'm happy.


	30. What Goes Around

_England's pants are still on_ France bitter-sweetly noted as he was at the mouth of the alley. England was gone for two hours, even though the pub was on the same block as the place they were staying. Fearing the worst, but with a defeated resign as opposed to hysteria, France looked for him. Who knew it was in the alleyway? Such a typical location for typical crimes. The opposite of America's-

Let's not think about that. He cautiously walked in, and almost all of England was covered by the dark. They were in an alleyway, and it was night. America was in an office room he had been to many times before, at daylight when ... _it_ happened to him. France heard England moan and picked up his torso, dragging him out. Now that they were out of the alley, France looked at him.

Blood was everywhere. They stabbed him a lot on his legs, and there where these weird carvings on his chest. His head was completely shaved, including eyebrows. There where many shallow cuts on his head as well. But most obvious of all was that there was some really dark sharpie-like mark on his head. It said "GUILTY".

... FUCK! Okay, then. All it meant was that they were all merely screwed. So who had done it? If it was America, then the bones would've been mashed, and he wouldn't still be alive. He also would've done this earlier. And tell everyone so no one would mourn their deaths. Was that why he took them to trial, to show that it wasn't a bluff? But why only England? Wouldn't it make more sense for them to trap everyone in the same room? Unless this was to scare them... But if this was an attack by America, then why was England so unharmed? Sure, there were some cuts, and there were only the thumbs left on the hands, but how did America not even accidentally rip off at least part of a limb? This was someone who knew, but it wasn't Alfred.

He ran/dragged England to the hotel they were staying at. Once they got to his room, France wondered what to do. He couldn't tell someone who didn't know because they would find out the motive. Canada was his safest bet, even though he was shot by him in their second to last meeting, and yelled at at their last. Also, he changed his phone number. He remembered Canada yelling that at him.

 _CC'd America_

 _Dear Canada,_

 _Do you know who beat up England and wrote "GUILTY" on him. Did you tell someone? Did you beat him up yourself? Why did you do that? Okay, I know why. But America was already taking legal action against us. I really am s-_

Matthew wouldn't believe him about his actually regretting it. Oh well. Alfred would know that something happened the next day at court. So would everyone else. It would signal their vulnerability, so maybe that wasn't the best decision. So after spending thirty minutes thinking, he still didn't know what to do. Except...

 _America, whoever you told just beat up England. Who wasn't with you three hours ago?_ He didn't text it and delete it, because he still didn't even what to look at his phone. Which he used to take a picture of America being raped. He probably should delete it, unless he wanted the police to confiscate it and use it for evidence.

... Sometimes he wondered why he bothered.

* * *

June twenty-fourth is both my birthday _and_ the day I publish the next chapter. Thank you for all the reviews you guys have given me! Thank you! This is the only story I have that has exceeded 3,000 views! I love you! ... I'm sorry for making anyone uncomfortable.


	31. No Reason

"I was confused about what France was saying to the point where I just thought that maybe one person wanted to beat you up, and that England was stopping it. Maybe everyone else was confused to the point where they just went along with it out of fear. I don't know. Nobody ever explained."

He got betrayed and gang-raped by almost all of his closest friends for no reason. At all. Other than being confused.

He got raped for no reason. His friends raped him for no reason. His life was destroyed... PERMANENTLY _DESTROYED_ for NO REASON.

He didn't think. He didn't give himself any mental commands. He didn't even imagine himself destroying them. He only felt rage when he was destroying the house. He didn't even notice when he almost fell out the apartment after destroying the walls. He didn't even hear people scream and pull him away. What he _did_ notice was that he was seated on someone's ass. He turned around and broke the neck of the nation behind him with a punch. It was Mattie, his twin. He froze for minutes before he screamed.

... Why did God hate him?

* * *

 _Mat isn't dead. I'm sorry for not posting it yesterday, but I woke up at ten, my mom yelled at me until I cried because I went to a different place for breakfast without telling her, so I went back to sleep._


	32. Apathy or Helplessness?

Matthew was at the hospital with his neck broken, America was crying and afraid of hurting the only few that he didn't want harm to ever visit, England was scared with his entire body mutilated, and France had no idea what to do. He didn't know what to say or hide at court tomorrow, he didn't even know what he wanted. Did he want to not go to jail, or did he want justice to be done? Was he okay with everyone around the world hating him, scorning everything that was tangentially related to him? Or would he rather have America branded as a bitter, backstabbing liar who hates everyone for no reason?

He sighed and smoked. The other people in America's apartment called 911 and didn't allow him to come near. They could also be suspects for England's assault, but he didn't really care at this point. It didn't really matter. No matter what they did, they would be screwed. He still didn't even know what he wanted. No matter what he did, he probably wouldn't be happy. In a way, he didn't really care. He felt like the ashes of his cigarette; destroyed, black, flimsy, and going where-ever when not held together.

Alba, England's brother, called him. Heard that someone was in the hospital, and that something happened to England. _Please, is he all right?_

He won't die from it, and he probably won't get PTSD or kill himself. He'll just snap a picture of him and send it.

Maybe that would make Alba feel worse. Maybe he should lie and say that he's fine. Maybe... But in the end it wouldn't change anything. Everyone else may get hurt, so he could send it to protect himself and the others. He doesn't know.

... Maybe he doesn't care. He's been listless since it happened, and he knows that nothing will change it. Bad things will still happen, but he's in this sort of fog where nothing can really touch him. He's incredibly bruised inside the fog, but it's hard to affect him. It has to be very drastic in order for him to feel alive.

... He doesn't know what to do but he doesn't know what he wants. He just texts the latest picture to Scotland, and then later realizes that it was of America's rape.

... He still doesn't know whether it was on purpose or accident. It doesn't matter, either way.

America still got raped because of him.

* * *

 _Sorry for taking so long to publish this. I'll update this Saturday or Sunday._


	33. Shock

Scotland screamed when he comprehended the picture. He wasn't thinking; he couldn't think. He was in a world where the only thing he process was about the picture. America looked- miserable was too simple a word. He didn't know how to capture America being orally raped with just one word. It's an exercise in madness.

It was even worse than that gore shock site he had been linked to once. This was someone he knew, personally close to, getting raped. SEXUALLY TORTURED _._

But why was he seeing this now? Did it happen again?

He screamed again, and this time someone banged on his door. He was scared that it was _them._ It was just a random neighbor person.

"Bugger off". Scotland closed the door, grabbed his phone, and walked to his bed. What should he do? Should he tell Europe, or send it to them? He could ask America, but maybe it was a trap. If it happened a second time, he could deny it, but just like last time, he could tell just by sight. He decided to ask Canada by emailing him. If he didn't get a response in time, then he would just ask his brother what was going on.

Too bad that he wouldn't find out from both of them.

* * *

This is the third time the number of people following the story dropped, so if I'm late, please don't unfollow or stop viewing. I won't stop writing this until it's done.


	34. Rebirth

The apartment was a cemetery, mourning what it had lost. Scotland could not find Canada, nor call him. He called America, who was too catatonic to notice the ringing phone. Someone else picked it up and asked him. He shrugged.

Mattie overestimated him. He was somehow weakened when Russia touched him. Alfred didn't deserve to exist. They should've killed him when they were done with it. _I don't want to exist._

"... I got a text with a photo from France of you getting raped."

Alfred felt even worse at that instant, walking to the window and opening it. Everyone else was either in shock, screaming, or yelling. It really would be better if died. He looked out the window, and felt a little woozy. He's been much higher up than this before, except this time he was trying to die. He started vomiting and unconsciously moved backwards. He vomited on himself. Worthless.

He didn't want to be a burden to anyone, but no one even noticed. ... He felt alon-

"America, what do you want to- WHAT THE FUCK!?" Everyone screamed again before one of them said to calm down, and they grabbed him;dragging him to wash off the vomit at the bathroom. Everyone waited outside while Philly quickly washed the vomit off his jacket. Alfred faced the ground, seeing nothing.

After a while, Philippines finally asked him what he wanted to do about the picture. "It really doesn't matter what I try to do. I can't do anything. I can't fix anything. I'm worthless."

"You're not worthless. You are not bad. You are a good person. Never doubt that."

"You and I both know that I've done bad things. A lot of people died because of what I've done."

"That's true for every nation. That doesn't mean that you are bad-"

"Then why did they rape me?! Mattie said that it wasn't planned, and that everyone was scared of what would happen if they didn't. They couldn't do it to someone they thought didn't deserve-"

"They're cowards, you shouldn't care what they think. That they didn't try other options shows that they are dumb, bad, and undeserving of you. You shouldn't care at all about them."

"But they were my close friends! England and France raised me! I liberated France! I was really close to everyone else as well. I fought with Kiku, Germany, and Italy, but then I became allies with all of them, and close friends with Kiku. It's natural that I want to know why they did that to me. If so many people joined in, then they must've had a reason."

"That's the thing about nations, and humanity in general. ... Sometimes, a lot of people will join in to do something evil that nobody wants to do for no reason. You should let them go, but remember to never be like that." She handed him his jacket and smiled at him. "Besides, you have us. I will never hurt you."

Alfred looked at her and smiled weakly. She wrapped her arms around him. He didn't flinch. "We all love you. We will never abandon you."

She really hoped that he would value his life more.

* * *

Sorry for not writing in over a week. It actually wasn't because I was pissy, but because I sorta kept putting it off and didn't now where it would be, or what it would entail. I'll update Wednesday.


	35. No Matter What

Scotland gave everything to America so he could help arrest his brother. This isn't right. This isn't right at all!

But was the right thing than? Letting his little brother get away with rape? Why would Arthur even rape someone? Did everyone else push him into it? Did everyone else want to rape Alfred that badly? All of this was like some half remembered dream. It almost felt too surreal to act because every option seemed at least a little nonsensical. He really didn't know what to do. No matter what, it was something bad.

But at least Arthur wouldn't know.

* * *

France told England about accidentally sending the photo to Scotland, so he knew. He understood why, but he still felt betrayed. He didn't have anyone, he was vulnerable, and maybe he was evil. He felt bad. But no matter how bad he felt, he couldn't undo it. He didn't like either outcome of the court battle. Someone would be a pariah and alone for the rest of their life, but one group did something to warrant it. When Alfred showed the evidence, Arthur recounted exactly what happened, and what he knew from the last meeting. He felt like vomiting and dying. No matter the outcome, he wouldn't be happy.

"Guilty".

He wanted to die.

* * *

 _I'm sorry for not doing this yesterday, but I woke up at twelve, and later took a nap. Today I had to go to Harlem to get food. I'll probably update Tuesday._


	36. Nike et Nemesis

He doubted it happening, and even though it may screw him over by people coddling- actually, that could never happen. People don't care enough to be over protective of him. They could (would, definitely would) treat him like a weak, pretentious brat, but they wouldn't want to _protect_ him. They would either be angry at him for getting the motherfucking evil demons WHO SHOULD JUST DIE AND BE RIPPED TO SHREDS sent to prison, or by making everyone more vulnerable, somehow. He wouldn't be surprised if he fucked up that badly. Maybe they would target him because he proved that he was r- usable, weak.

This "victory" felt hollow. He felt someone behind him, coming closer. He almost swung around and attacked before Philly backed up a bit.

"I was just going to give you a hug."

"How was I supposed to know that?! What if you were a rap- an-an evil, backstabbing, MOTHERFUCKING AS-"

"You're scaring me... Why are you so angry?"

He sighed. "I just don't know. Whenever I think of _them_ or how I caused it, I just feel this sort of anger. Like I want to destroy something. Murder. Like I'm mad at everything: the backstabbing liars; the people who will defend them; the world; the sky; hot dogs; and myself most of all. I should've done something different that day, and I should not've let things get to that point. I hear that it's not my fault, but things this shitty can't just happen randomly, for no reason. There had to be some reason it happened."

"... Sometimes horrific things happen for no reason at all, and no one learns from it, nor will it be the last time. That's just life."

"I hate life. I really hate it at times. I'm really, really hating it."

"... Don't give up" was all she could say, and all she could think of. She didn't really know how to respond. He hugged her and lightly cried.

But she wasn't going to give up. It was the only thing that she could do.

* * *

 _"If who I am is what I have and what I have is lost, then who am I"_ -Anonymous

* * *

I had election training when I published this. I (again) woke up late. I'll update the second of August.


	37. Cave

Switzerland, but even more paranoid than thought possible, is something best avoided. But Austria knew that he would never forgive himself if he didn't try to bring him out from paranoid insanity. Little Lichtenstein was trapped as well. They all were.

But no one could save them. Everyone in the world was scared, ignorant, or in denial. The strongest person was tortured by many of his powerful, former friends for no reason. No one was safe from anyone. Even (especially?) friends. It hit all of them like bricks, and most people didn't know who to believe, or even what they wanted to believe. America won a trial at the U.N., and while he would be hurt by saying it, he said it anyway. But all of them were his friends, and the "punishment" to America's "crime" was... Rodrick felt like he was in a dream. A nightmare. When would he wake up?

He left several messages on Switzerland's phone and later went to his house. He saw nary a soul on his way there. He grabbed a newspaper and read that gun sales went up.

Great. When he finally approached their house, he saw that a metal gate enclosed it. It was, for other words, a cage that kept the monsters out. And them in.

Basch didn't respond to any of his calls, but he seemed to pop out immediately when Austria came. His eyes had dark rims and were bloodshot, just barely held in his usual glare. His hands were slightly shaking, and the gun he was holding looked very large and deadly. Austria hoped that the safety was on.

Afraid of setting him off, but knowing his lack of patience, Austria quietly said "I wanted to check on you-"

"Why?!"

"... Because you are mildly xenopho-"

"Well, maybe I was right to be that!"

".. Is Lich-"

"What the fuck do you want with my sister!? You are not going to touch her, or I'll-"

"I wanted to make sure that you guys were dealing with the news well. I'm not."

Basch lowered the gun slightly, and his hands shook less.

"It was a group that did America, and I am by myself. You should know from how many times you had to bail me out how... _unsuited_ -"

"You're saying that you're more likely to get raped than to commit rape."

"... In a way."

"Look, I'm not saying that you're super strong or masculine, but even the little Italies raped him. They're children!"

"Actually, they're older than you." Basch's eyes went wide, and Rodrick wondered if he made a mistake.

Switzerland closed them again, and said "It doesn't matter. I don't want to risk it. I'll be more responsive to your phone calls, and let Lichtenstein talk to you and Hungary on the phone. Bye."

* * *

Please no talk about guns. I'll think that I'll update every four to six days, but no longer promising to


	38. Loyalty Bravery Insanity, & Stupidity

"Maybe America wasn't raped", said Netherlands. He couldn't begin to imagine what life would be like if that were true.

"Of course America wasn't raped; he's a guy", said Belgium.

"You mean that America wasn't raped because there's no way France would do that, right?" said Monaco.

Andorra put down the teacup she barely touched. She wasn't really used to this type of Spanish tea in this small Spanish cafe. They were all the way in the most Southwest part of Spain, and she lived between France and Spain. She got a lot of her things from her older brother; she was such a small country that she couldn't manufacture much. A quarter of her imports came from France, but half came from Spain. Part of her internet, television, mail service and even education depended on those two. But at least she had border patrols, so she was safe from-

"Andorra, you haven't talked at all. Are you okay?"

"I'm just a little worried. How are we going to live with the most powerful E.U. members as known rapists? No one wants people _that_ predatory with power over them."

"Oh, it's easy: we ask for a retrial" said Belgium.

"Are you sure that is-"

"It will work: my brother can't know as a rapist" said Monaco.

Netherlands looked up the barely eaten plate. "A lot of people already think of him as rapist."

"Well he's not!" said Belgium and Monaco. They briefly looked at each other awkwardly before Belgium said "I think we would know if he was."

"So the countless times he's molested people meant nothing? I didn't expect England to-"

"Be accused. I know. I just don't know what's wrong with America. I thought that he wanted to have sex with England" said Monaco.

Belgium's face lit up. "That's it! America just had sex with England, and then he was caught by someone, and everyone who saw America having sex or pointed out the lack of logic was accused of raping him by America." She smiled. "It makes so much sense!"

"How? Why would America want to be known as rape victim? He's so prideful, and that fact that he's very strong is very central to his politics. Why would he hurt his friends by-"

"BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T HURT HIM, THAT'S WHY!"

"Why would _anyone_ do _that_ to someone they've known for such a long time?!" said Monaco.

"Why don't you trust them?! Are you so cheap that you'd sell out all loyalty and ethics!?"

"... I have just one question" said Netherlands.

"As long as it isn't _stu_ pid."

"If they were, in some hypothetical situation guilty, would you still defend them? How do you what is the truth?" Netherlands stood up and walked away. His head hurt, and people screaming at him wouldn't make it better. None of it would ever get better. This was a permanent stain on all the participating countries. Even America's reputation was hurt, considering that a lot of people thought that he was lying. But no one _wanted_ him to be telling the truth. Europe had known these nations since their foundations, affecting the world for better or worse. People spoke their languages and considered them family. But beyond that, it would mean one thing that shook everyone to their core.

Everyone you know and love can instantly betray and destroy you, no matter how strong you are. There's no one out there to protect you. You are alone.

... _All really is lost._

* * *

Instead of having everyone immediately believing Alfred, I chose the more realistic route of people not wanting to believe that their friends and family are rapists, and that no matter how much you trust them, or how strong you are, they can destroy you. Plus, they're countries, so if they cut off all relations with them, then it would be bad for their economy. Plus, the citizens wouldn't know why because they don't know about nations. If they told them... It would lead to rampant paranoia. Probably violence as well. This is sort of like a deconstruction of a Hetalia rape fic. I'll update in three to four days. Also, here's a link to stuff people actually said to rape survivors. r/AskReddit/comments/2ka33p/rape_victims_of_reddit_what_was_the_worst_thing/ eucarya and below are where things get really bad. For 657d, 21h I wanted to rip out their bones, but I'm already suffering from angry thoughts. Of the horrorshow things that should happen to the rapists, dicks, and the old women and friends from 657d, 21h. There is female on female rape in Real Life.


	39. Get Better

Chocolate covered Matzo, some chocolaty bread thing, doughnut balls, a bunch of cheeses, East European stuff, some meat thingy from Finland, some orange thingies, and some latka with bacon and red berries. Also, a wooden soldier toy. ... Hey, Lithuania made him some cookies! That's nice.

"So why did most of Europe send me food?"

"Because when you don't how to make someone who went through something bad feel better, you send them food. Especially desserts, who can't feel happy when eating desserts?" asked Israel.

"Those with clinical depression."

"Okay... Are you sure you have depression?"

"Why wouldn't I have depression?"

"... Anyway, I thought that maybe a show of solidarity would make you feel better, so I asked for them to make food for me to bring to you. A lot of them won't leave their houses for anything, so that's why most didn't come. The others were busy renegotiating deals, and trying to figure out what happened. That small British kid who lives with those two guys seems to think that you're sick, and doesn't understand why all the adults are worried. I asked him to not cook something, so he made a get well soon card." Israel took the card out and gave it to Alfred.

It was a crudely drawn with the markers bleeding through the white paper. On the cover, there was Alfred lying down with a blanket and something on his head, and the words "I heard that you were sick" above him. When he opened it, he saw a smiling him in an airplane with Peter flying past the ocean and some clouds. "Rise up and get better" was partly written above and below the drawing. "Remember your a hero" was squished up and written below that.

Alfred didn't know that he was crying until Israel gave him a tissue. "When I was talking to his parents, Sealand was on the phone with England, trying to figure out why you were sick. He thought that since England was feeling bad, that he might know. They yelled at him not to do it again, and to not talk to England. ... It must hurt to not know why you can't be with family. It probably hurts even more if you do know."

Israel waved goodbye and left, while Alfred kept thinking one thing repeatedly. _Did I fuck up and hurt everyone? Is this the only thing I can do?_

 _... I hope not. I want to help them. Maybe, if I do that, I'll be happy again._

He looked at the card again and decided that that maybe he was a hero. He would just have to remember that.


	40. Purging Hell

The American official just showed them the bill for the damages occurred, offering no sympathy grace.

"We can't pay that much money in a recession!" said Germany.

"Then you shouldn't had done it" was all he said before leaving. Everyone was in shock before Russia shouted "How could America do this!?" Then everyone started shouting, yelling, and cursing. As well as hitting the table.

"THIS IS ALL YOUR GODDAMN FAULT, RUSSIA!"

"NO ONE ASKED YOU DRUG HIM!"

"YOU MOTHERFUCKERS, YOU DIDN'T TRY TO STOP IT!" responded Russia. The two people who cared the most about everything were silent in their sorrows. They knew that they couldn't do anything, and had given up hope. The other nations were sad and upset, but directed their outlet to something else: the indulgence money. They all were in Hell, and paying the money wouldn't get them out of it, but everyone would hate them even more if they didn't. It would be seen as a final "Fuck you". Like spitting on someone you raped. It wasn't even a proper indulgence because no one forgave them yet. Maybe never.

... The souls started to rot.

* * *

I'm sorry for not publishing this sooner: my brother is going back to college in two days. Indulgences were what people payed to have their sins forgiven and not go to Purgatory.


	41. Reconcile

Kiku got up that morning for the same reason he would continue living after this day, if all went well: forgiveness and innocence. As the only person still unclassified on their guilt, loyalty, and friendship, America, Alfred wanted to talk to him. The outcome would be the difference between living with himself, and being alone and bitter until he died. Also poor, as a lot of the officials kept reminding him. Being a pariah and poor might destroy the country.

He wouldn't care if he died if it turned out that he really did rape Alfred. America.

He feels woozy, a little sick in the stomach. He makes breakfast and packs it for later. If he really did nothing, than he could hold down the food when he eats it.

Arriving at a small, almost dainty cafe surrounded by civilian clothed men with hidden guns, Kiku sees America. He notices that his hands are slightly shaking. All will go well, all will go well. America is reading a newspaper. Kiku takes a deep breath and takes a cloth covered box from his bag. Right before setting it on the table, Alfred asks "What the fuck is that?"

"... A pr-easant."

"Why are your hands shaking?"

"... We-ell, you sort of asked ab-bruptly out of no where."

"That's redundant. Why did you bother even saying that?"

"... I'm sort of nervous."

"Kay." He hides his head behind the newspaper, but in such a way that America watches him. America doesn't trust him.

It would be almost insane if he did, though. That's the part he knows and hates. America is justified in this because Japan did something unforgivable. Maybe. It might not had happened.

"So..."

"'So' what? What is it?"

"Did it happen?"

"What do you think?"

Is the answer to that supposed to 'yes' or 'no'? "..."

"... I don't know what happened because when you were there because China was also..."

"Okay."

"I sorta don't think you did it, but maybe that's just me wanting _someone_ to not betray me."

"Oh."

"Don't sound disappointed; even if you didn't do it, you still didn't stop it. That alone would make most people never talk to you again."

"Then why are you talking to me?"

"Reasons. I don't need or like you, but... you know."

"Are saying that you don't want to look like you in some way need me so I can't extort you? _I'm_ in the defensive position."

"... Okay."

Japan had a ghost of a smile on him. "You sound like how I did earlier."

"Don't get me wrong, it's just that I... You know. You know?"

"No."

"I just wanna... you know. Have someone on my side. I lost at least seven people who I was really close with, so..." Alfred paused before finally saying "I just don't want to be alone. It's one thing to be by yourself, but it's another to have to defend against almost everyone with almost no one. There are people who reject them, but also people who will want to take advantage of me, or not trust anyone, or would be dictators who will use the fear as an excuse to be oppressive and go to war with whoever. I... fucked up. But no matter what I did, it would had hurt people. I hate that. Sometimes, both options aren't moral, and there is no 'good' option. You're forced to do the wrong thing. I hate that..."

"You're not going to give up, right?"

"No. I'm stuck like this." He opened Kiku's gift, and gave a faint smile.

"It's all I can do."

* * *

My computer was sort of broken and then fixed, and I had to regain steam. Tonight it received the blue screen of death. I tried to publish this the night before school started, but my mom made me go to sleep. I definitely understand why though. I'll update on the 14


	42. Happy Birthday

_My computer is broken in a different way now because I did all the updates it told me to do, and now I can't connect to the internet. I'm having a bad day. Have a good day. I'll update as much as I can without sacrificing school. I'm sorry._

* * *

The cake was disgusting, tasting like it was made entirely of sugar. So sweet, that it's repulsiveness is not unlike bitter rot. So somehow, even the sugar was somehow bitter these days. Maybe it was because there was so much of it; maybe if it was only a little bit, he could understand, but... How can people live with such saccharine sweetness? It was months ago, and while months were like weeks and days for him, it seemed like a lifetime away.

Alfred just tore up the slice of cake with fork and pushed it around in his plate, hoping that no one would notice that it wasn't going away. He tried to get rid of it before anyone noticed.

He wasn't as excited this year, he wasn't happy this year- he just didn't give a damn. He felt tired, always working with papers and files, and everything that didn't involve people. Barely talking meant more paperwork, and he seemed less efficient at it as well, though it hurts being a zombie that is never truly alive or dead. Just stumbling on in this half world

He felt cold, and it was the start of July. He never noticed how shitty he was at hosting parties before. Matthew was the one who invited every- well, the people who decided to come. A lot of people didn't want to go to a place were they were out-numbered with no allies. The last time that happened... This was no time for a celebration. This was just the anniversary for a fuck-up who ruined everything. Did he even deserve to be a country? Would this had happened if he stayed with England? Or would it happen all the time? He was a global superpower, and they still did it. Though that was because of the economy. He never should've been born. Alfred couldn't fuck things up if he didn't exist.

He was removing the sickening sweet thing by throwing it away. Just before it disappeared, he noticed that colors were no longer vibrant, no longer there. It was mushy from being watered down, and even though he just pushed it down and around, but not enjoy it, there seemed to be less there. It was sticking to everything else, being clingy with no identity of its own. Frivolous, disgusting and useless.

Soon it would rot away, and there would be nothing left.

* * *

 _If who I am is what I have, and what I have is lost, then who am I?-Anonymous_


	43. United We Stand

"I wanna get out of this as soon as possible; who knows what it will be like if I stay here longer." Heracles, named after a strong demigod, is afraid of them. Everyone is. Even the ones who didn't want to believe the trial results are hesitant about the E.U. What stops most from leaving is fear of reprisals. Greece was already trying to get a bailout, but he didn't want to stick around; if he messed up again, he might end up like America. No one wants to end up like America. The former obnoxiously lively man was an empty egg: wrapped around, so thin to protect nothing, but even an accidental touch would kill. _They_ weren't much better though, avoiding glances, ducking away at every given opportunity like small insects about to be crushed. No amount of strength would matter; Alfred was stronger than all of them combined. The only advantage they had was that they were not **yet** hit. Nothing was definite.

Alfred was a child who was raised by two of them, so even siblings weren't safe. But why leave, why not stay? You would mark yourself as defenseless if you were alone.

The military budgets of countries across the world increased, at the expense of what was seen as more frivolous. Why read if you might die? They ignored that America's military couldn't have had intervene in his fate. It was just voodoo, superstition. But how else would you ward off the demons? Visas were becoming ever harder to get, for it only takes once to die. It was a dark room with everyone pointing guns at each other, covered in flammable wine, the taunt tempers incendiary. It would only just one, small flame to kill them all.

 _Just. One. Push._


	44. Only I can help you, Tolerate you

You are such a fuck up. "You ruined everything, Ivan" said Russia's prime minister. They were in Ivan's bedroom, who for some reason was on the verge of tears. Didn't he know that crying wouldn't solve anything! Only the strong survived in the world.

"I just didn't get invited-"

"You think that we are all upset over a birthday invitation?" he said in a slightly mocking tone. "You think that the only reason why _I_ would get worked up is because people don't want to be your friend? **No one** wants to be friends because they never did. No one likes you. No one will ever like you. You are an idiot. Your only guiding grace is that I am helping you. Count your blessings, because you'll only find me."

"Sorry."

"Don't be so curt with the only person who can help you."

"I'm so sorry" Ivan said in an annoying, whiny tone. How did he get stuck with this man-child? Honestly, he deserved better than this.

"I'm so sorry, I wish none of this hap-"

"Your wishing will do nothing to help us. Everyone wishes that nothing happened, so don't act like you are the only unhappy one. Europe is dropping us like a grenade: soon we won't have any people working with us economically. If you don't listen to me, you will surely starve."

"What am I supposed to do!" yelled the tear eyed nation. "Everyone hates me, my plan for disciplining America failed... Even Katyusha and Natalia aren't talking to me! My own sisters aren't talking to me! I thought that their love was unconditional-"

"There is no such thing as unconditional love. If it changes too much, you end up loving something different. Only learning to change and except that will help you navigate life. _I_ do not love you. I talk to you because I have to. That is the same for all country leaders, so don't get into a pity fit."

"So everyone will leave me?" Ivan let his face fall into his own lap. "Even General Winter hates-"

"I never said hate. Most people do not expend the energy for hatred. But yes, no one cares for you. ... You can still make them stay."

Ivan didn't say anything, only looking up with the eyes of a small dog.

"Listen to me, and they'll be with you forever. You'll never be alone again."

The dumb kid has a ghostly smile, and grabs that hand that wasn't extended.


	45. 恨: Hate, Regret

"No... Please, please don't leave me" he hoarsely, but quietly underneath all of the applause. "I don't want spend the rest of my life alone." Unnoticed by every person in the street, Yao walked to the closest food store.

It turned to be a shifty bar, and even they were cheering. Their country was finally independent, and everyone knew that China could not go to war without America declaring WWIII. God, was that teen an idiot. Who would create a war out of spite? But it wasn't just spite. It was hate.

That racist asshole. Did that brat have to take away everything from him?! His pride, the trust of everyone, even Taiwan left him.

Did anyone deserve living for eternity with everyone hating him?

A tall foreigner walked in. That man shivered, even though it was the beginning of September. Yao looked away.

"I wanted to see how you were" asked Russia.

"You didn't need to come to China to find out. Or should I say, Taiwan."

That guy looked at Yao's face before saying "You need a drink."

"I know that you're going to take advantage of me, so quit it." Ivan's face fell into a look of deep, genuine sorrow, leaving Yao feeling a little bad. "I'm sorry", Yao muttered under his breath.

"I'm sorry too. I couldn't believe that America would hurt us all like this."

"To be fair-"

"To be fair, no one should be treated like this! We are not mustache twirling villains, we are millions of people with our own minds! They should not be treating _our_ citizens like this, civilians who have done nothing. They should not force us into poverty by shunning us. They ... should not alienate they people we love until they leave us!"

"That's why Taiwan left me?"

"Don't you see... They still love us. Nothing can extinguish family love! Nothing can do that! _They_ just treat the people we love like shit until they leave. Until Katyusha, Natalia, Toris, everyone leaves. But we will not give up! Giving up means that we never _truly_ cared."

"Why do they want Mei Mei to leave me? What do they get out of it?"

"They're afraid of America, and America hates us.

"Are you sure he's not just angry?"

"No", Ivan said, shaking his head. "It's hate. No matter how much we could try to appease him, America will forever hate us."

"But maybe America has a reason to hate us." Yao regretted it as soon as he said. It wasn't because he thought that it would make Ivan angry, but for the implications. He didn't deserve this: no one did. It was just hate, pure and simple. Disgust, revenge, and barely hidden wrath. America wasn't angry at him. Being angry at someone you liked meant that even though you could feel ill towards them, there was always an undercurrent of wanting that person to be happy. He didn't like America either, though for a different reason; Yao knew that America was right to be upset, and that he had done something unspeakable. Unforgivable. But if something is unforgivable, then why bother? With anything. Why bother **living**? America would always be afraid of him and despise him, no matter what he did. Same for everyone else.

Yao would never ever feel the love he felt before from everyone. It was lost forever.

But not if it wasn't true. He listened to Ivan.

"I know how to get her back. All we have to do is-"

* * *

" _If who I am is what I have and what I have is lost, then who am I?_ " Anonymous

* * *

I'll update this Sunday or Monday. What did you think? What do you think will happen?

This is sort of like a deconstruction of rape fics where there are no long lasting issues to a friend raping another, and people in real life think like this as well.

What do you think? Did you like it?


	46. Dead of Winter

It was the year of shitty seats. When they were "lucky" enough to get invited, everyone who wasn't Alfred that day was stuffed somewhere far from the people and reason for being there. Stuffed like an old toy you no longer found fun, but maybe taken out once in a while to not feel bad before returning it to the cold and empty dark. Alone. Rotting alive with no one caring, no one knowing. Like a teddy bear that was loved and cared for, but the seams fall apart from disuse.

A teddy bear couldn't grab what it wanted, though.

* * *

Kiku Honda once again looked around, straining his neck to see a familiar face. Arthur gave up on the third day of seeing anyone. Canada probably seated him on the opposite side of the stadium that Alfred was. He wasn't surprised by that, he was surprised by Canada inviting him. And then later forgetting him. Maybe Alfred convinced Canada to let him come as long as he was far away. Or maybe America was the one who told him to keep him away. It didn't matter.

... A flash of gold hair and the glint of glasses. "Alfred, is that you!?" Kiku gives a hopeful smile, and then realizes that it was someone else. Whatshisname Canada.

... What was with his luck? _Give up_. He slouches. Someone touches his back.

"Sooo... Hello-"

"Hi Alfred." The teen's eyes were still grey, and he still seemed nervous, but it was nice to actually see him in person. "What have you been doing?"

"Nothing much. Just work. I work a lot these days. .. It's not the only thing I do, though. I still exercise."

"That's nice. Where's your seat?"  
"The other side of the stadium" answered Canada. "Alfie, I think that we should get going."

"Can't I talk with him a little more?" Alfred sounded like a disappointed child. Why did he come he here?

"No. I just don't think that it would be a good idea. I just don't want to risk anything."

"But he's not going to do anything _here_.

"Yeah, because he's a fucking coward who goes along with whatever anyone says."

"Maybe he didn't do it."

"You are just wishing for that!"

"... How would you know?"

"Because he was your friend. He's barely a neutral party."

"Oh... So he doesn't hate me." Canada looked angry, enough that Kiku was surprised that he didn't yell, but when Kiku looked closer, it was more of frustration and sadness. Disappointment and hurt over betrayal.

Kiku lowered his head. "I don't hate you, but maybe you should go with your brother. He seems worried."

"But there is nothing to be worried about! No one is here, I'm all alone because people think that I'm a liar or because I ruined the economy, so no one will attack me. I'm going to die alone. No one's going to... do _that_ again."

Kiku wanted to do whatever it took to make Alfred happy again, no matter how much it killed him. He stood up and said "Alfred, I..." before Canada interrupted.

"My boss has just texted about Russia. He's invaded someone."

* * *

 _I'm sorry, this deserves no excuses, but I had the PSAT, and I had to spend a long time studying for it. This was also a hard chapter to write, going through numerous rewrites. I'm sorry. The next chapter will be next week._


	47. Heating Up

"It's okay, Meimei, it's okay. This isn't your fault, you did nothing that you couldn't avoid. You won't be alone: I'm here. I'll protect you. You will be happy, and I will protect you. No one can take you away from me. I'll fight for you. Protect you.

I will always love you."

* * *

Regret, self blame and self hatred turns a man into someone who lashes out at others to destroy the whole world in a blinded rage. If the rage and anger is in anyway justifiable, it will only become worse. Exponentially worse if all of it was caused by betrayal. Or in this case, many. And it seems like it will happen again.

Hatred grew, and started to corrode his heart.

* * *

"So if there's a fight, you want us to do most of it?" asked Germany.

"Why should we?! We didn't do anything wrong!" shouted Prussia, his hands on the table.

Slow and measured, polite was showing venom, the president said "You raped a man and caused World War III."

"Look, while... none of us liked that-"

"YOU JACKASSES CAUSED WORLD WAR III BY RAPING A MAN! WHY THE **FUCK** _DID_ YOU DO IT!?"

"... We were afrai-"

"AND NOW YOU'RE NO- _khah-khah_ Sorry for yelling, that took a strain on my voice. It feels a little raspy. _khah-khah_ Better now. Anyway, so the reason why you should fight is because I don't like war crimes. I don't want war crimes, and I especially don't like _my_ country committing war crimes. After Pearl Harbor and the Bataan Death March, we collected skulls. It wasn't just war- we _hated_ them. We blew up Nagasaki for a reason, and it wasn't military. It was partly to make them hurry up, but they were really, really, angry about everything, and the Japanese torturing POWs didn't help that. You guys did not screw over a couple of Americans who would be eventually forgotten- YOU ASSHOLES RAPED **AMERICA!**

"... So you're saying that this is punishment, right?"

The president took a deep sigh. "Yeah, that and redemption. Because, defending someone and fighting for them makes the protectorate more grateful. They like you more."

"I'm in!" Everyone looked at Arthur and Kiku. For Japan, they weren't too surprised, but England was really quiet recently. Tired, sad, and like he had hidden himself from everything in the world, no one actually expected him to be alive.

"What the worst that can happen?" he asked.

"Death of everyone you know and love" said Germany "as well yourself."

"I don't think that I'll mourn my death too much."

"Aye, you'll be dead."

"There are things worse than death."

"Like what?" said Italy.

"Having a life where you wished that you were dead is worse. No one to love who loves you back. Everyone hates you. Nothing you can do is fun anymore... Oh my God, I wonder if this is what Alfred feels."

"In my presence, you can only call him America, not Alfred. If you are forced to not reveal his name, then Mr Jones. You lost that right." said the president. "Even if he lies about it, saying that I'm a forgiving man, I will never forgive you. You have stained the reputation of a country where millions of people reside for a self-indulging reason. You have helped ruin the lives of over a billion people. Countless people may die. Even if the whole world forgives you, I won't forgive you."

Arthur put his head down before Germany said "So are any of our people going to die?"

"If there is World War III, no matter what you do, people will die. Including yours."

"... So..." said Italy.

"Say something or shut up! Unless what you do will fuck over everyone. God... Is everyone here an idiot, or are you all evil?"

"Oh! Neither please!" said Italy. The fists curled up, and the muscles everywhere tensed. His teeth looked sharp, and he breathed too heavily, too quickly. His face was shaking like it was barely containing itself, and the mouth looked like it was ready to maul Feliciano's flesh, tearing it to pieces. It turned into a smile, and while the fists were still tense and he breathed too much, the breathing lessened and the man looked at the immortals with a congenial set face with his eyes betraying the sadism going through his mind.

The smile was too wide for the small face. The smile wasn't kind at all.

"So what will you all do now?"

"Fight if you need us to?"

 ** _SMAKT_** "Good answer". The man's hands were now clasped, and not bit of him showed pain. He was enjoying this. "Now go on and march to your _little-saintly-_ deaths. Bah-bye."

The nations left, and everyone had left feeling even worse. At first, they all talked and argued about how to get out of fighting, but then a young one among them noticed something: If America was going to fight, he would already be going to war. What would stop him from attacking them?

* * *

 _If who I am is what I have, and what I have is lost, then who am I? -_ Anonymous

* * *

Sorry for the late updates. I'm planning a novel-like webcomic, and I have been devoting a lot of time to that. I will definitely update next week.


	48. Little Brother

_"Wow... You are so small. It will take centuries before you grow near my shoulders." The little boy was picked up by a man many times his size. His feet were bare, and the slight wind made a funny feeling as it ran across the bottoms. "But that's why I have to protect you. You're so small. I've never had a younger brother before, so I'm afraid that I might hold you too tight. Please be strong. For me. I don't want to lose someone as precious as you." His entire weight was on those big hands, so he felt a little uncomfortable. He tried to shift his weight, but he ended up mostly swinging his limbs. Then he was lightly hugged. "You are so small... Just like a little fairy. I hope the faes protect you. I hope they protect you and advise you, and help you out. I hope you listen to them. I hope you take their advise. We live in such a magical world, and I hope you see everything beautiful and wonderful about it. Hmm. I think I'll name you Alfred. Elf Counsel. Elves are known for their great wisdom. Or maybe Elvin-_ wise friend _. But... I know that you'll be my friend. And Alfred sound much nicer. So Alfred it is. I hope you'll take their advice. I know that they will love you. I can already tell that you have the sight."_

 _But the little boy didn't have the sight. He never talked to the fairies, and he didn't know even know that they existed. He thought that Arthur made them up because he was he was slightly silly. Then the little boy thought it was to make tease, and then it was to make him feel happy and protected. But then, when the young boy no longer smiled, he wondered why Arthur would lie about the faeries. He thought and thought, but he didn't know. Was it to hurt him, or to make him happy? Arthur didn't really love him. Arthur couldn't really love him. So why did he do it?_

 _Why did he do it?_ Alfred was sitting- leaning on the edge of his bed. If England loved him, then why did he rape him? The confusion theory from Mattie made no real sense. Even if _he_ himself was confused, he wouldn't had dared done it to Arthur. If Arthur- England didn't love him, was it because he longer did, or that he was pretending to have loved him? Why did England no longer love him? Was it really because of the economy? He caused the great depression, but that _was_ right before WWII, so maybe England had foresight. If Arthur never loved him, then why was he so kind and loving? Why did he fight France for him? Why did he not shoot him when he could'd back then, and why did he break down into tears when he became his own country?

Nothing made sense anymore.

He didn't know what to, and every time he tried to do the right thing it ended up causing more problems. How long has this been happening? Trying to make life better for everyone, but failing horribly. After Somalia, he didn't want to intervene, so Rwanda happened, so the middle east (probably) happened, and now everything is bad. Why does everything he tries to for other people end badly? Why does every responsibility, role, and campaign end with death? It's like no matter what he does, he's making a terrible mistake.

He didn't want to deal with it anymore.

Should he dissolve the country and give everything to Canada? That was a very tempting choice. "Canada's so much more mature than you, you should take a page out of his book." Matthew didn't seem to mess up like he did, though maybe he just never got the chance. Maybe Canada would become fucked up just by absorbing him. Maybe he was that much of a bad person, like their was something inherently wrong with him.

Was he supposed to nuke himself? Don't know. He'll let Canada decide. Whatever he decides. He can't ruin everything if he has his brother make the decisions. He's probably gonna make the most peaceful ones that will have everyone hating everything American and tarnish his reputation- but that was already going to happen.

Mattie would know just what to do.

* * *

 _What the hell should I do? Alfie, I will protect you._

* * *

I already wrote most of the previous chapter, and I went to the emergency room this weekend. I'm really sorry. I didn't know what I was supposed to do with this chapter.


	49. In The Dark

He remembered his brother's rape. He remembered how at first he felt a little queasy in his room, and then how it felt as if his intestines were litteraly rotting alive in his body, and something like melting iron covering his lungs and stomach lining. He didn't know how he managed to get there as it felt like his body was being destroyed. All Matthew knew was that if this was what _he_ was feeling, then what was happening to his brother was something unimaginable.

 _"Oh God"._

Did he die and end up in Hell? What the **_fuck_** was this?!

Matthew was by his brother's side as his twin struggled to sleep. He couldn't go to sleep either. They were like children with nightmares, struggling for safety, even in their dreams.

He was the reason why they suffered.

All he had to do was say one thing. Don't go. They'll hurt you. That was all. Two words, five at most. He betrayed his brother. He hurt him in the worst way possible. He felt sick even looking at him. Revulsion directed at himself. He knew why.

Matthew remembered the shock he felt, nations pulling up their pants and leaving. He remembered the huddling body on the floor. He didn't know what he thought when he saw him, all he knew was that he had to get his friend out of there. A Frenchman stopped him, and a Russian stabbed him with something in his arm. He looked up, and saw that man grin awkwardly. Nervously chuckle.

This wasn't funny, bastard.

"So, I guess you see that this in a bit of a mes-

"Arthur, let me go."

"I don't know about that", said the man holding his arms. "I'm really worried that you might tell."

"You already told me what would happen, that you would beat up Alfred. I didn't think that you would succeed."

"Wait, so you thought that we were going to beat him up?" England asked, not to him.

"I thought that was all we were going to do at first."

"At first!? What the bloody hell"

As they continued to argue, it seemed to Matt that Alfie was getting farther and farther, closer and closer to death with each second. He destroyed his brother, and he couldn't even try to fix it. He closed his eyes and started to cry. He would have killed himself to prevent this.

"What the, Canada. Canada. Canada!"

He opened his eyes.

"Canada, why are you crying? What's wrong"

"Because I can't help my brother." Why would he care if he was crying when Alfred had… something done to him? He started to move his arms and move away. France held him back.

"Mattui, I am actually with him. Alfred had to get punished, there was nothing tha-

"Just go!", shouted England. He didn't waste a second.

"Alfred!" The strongest man in the world, his older brother, was defenseless, naked and helpless like a young child. This was so absurd a sight that Matthew didn't even know that it was really his brother until he got on his arms and spoke.

"Mat, what are you doing here?"

 _To save you_ is what he should have said if he wasn't focused entirely on helping him. "Oh God. … Don't worry, I'm not going to hurt you." He kept his voice calm, unlike his emotionally overwhelmed self. He touched Alfred's shoulder and gently grabbed his left arm.

Alfred was still scared, his body shaking softly. "I..."

"Shhh. Everything will be fine. It's over. I … Oh God, I-I'll take care of you, eh?" Alfred must trust him, somehow. He laid his head on his younger twin's shoulder.

He cried. Everything was at its zenith. Alfred, even if he got hurt gravely, would never cry, especially in front of his little brother. Matthew really fucked up. He destroyed and betrayed him. The strongest man in the world was crying, all because of him. He made a vow, an atonement, so nothing else could go wrong. "Everything is gonna be alright. I won't let anyone hurt you. It's all over..."

He had to make sure that he was safe with people who could heal him, and be trusted. Unlike him. "I'll take you to the hospital."

"N-Noo", he said, sadness pouring through the word.

"Eh?"

"I want to go home." He wanted to be safe in a place he still recognized, a place where he could still be himself, and be loved like before.

"Ok, I'll take you home. You're safe with me. I'm not leaving your side. You've done nothing wrong. You don't deserve this!" Alfred closed his eyes, as if he was leaving the world. Like he was finally dying. Matthew held back tears. "I'm so sorry, Alfred", he whispered.

"Just don't leave me here, with them or alone. Please don't leave me." Matthew felt his brother's eyes close. He must've passed out. But why? Why here, why now? Everyone else was gone, and they were going home, but why did he decide to do it when it was just the two of them? There was only one answer; Alfred trusted him.

Matthew cried, mourning for his brother and what they had lost before he stopped. He didn't deserve to cry.

Alfred shuddered in his bed. Maybe he was sick? Matthew put his hand on his forehead, and he calmed down immediately.

He remembered when he carefully, as if he carried the life of his twin in his hands, covered Alfred with his jacket and carried him outside to a better world. No matter what happen, he would never give up Alfred. He loved him.

He knew that now. Alfred would know that as well. For he would destroy the world for his twin, and those who hurt him would regret it with every fiber of their souls.

* * *

Next chapter will probably be done next week. I have to think about what Matt's plan is, and I have three projects to do for different classes.


	50. False Address

"What do you want?"

"Um, I'm so sorry, but may I come in?"

Yao threw his fists up in anger before deciding to open the door. This better be something that wouldn't piss him off even more. Meimei kept crying, kept calling a tyrant, and even told him to die. His little sister told him to die. So after risking WWIII for her, fighting for her in world war two,- why did she always like those who hurt her? Japan took her women as sex slaves, and yet she adores him. America wants to ruin everyone lives by either destroying their economies or their relationships, but she loves him as well. There was only one person in the world she didn't love. The only person who would die for her. Yao opened the door.

"What the Hell are you doing here, America!"

"I'm Canadian!"

"Whatever! Why are you here?"

"I'm here to deliver mail from Russia to Japan. You are of the Japanese embassy in China, right?"

"No, I'm- Russia?" Why would Russia be sending mail to Japan in China? Japan was currently here to talk about the Taiwan situation, but- Yao looked at the mail. It seemed to be from Russia himself, judging by the handwriting. Did this idiot mail-whatever-person just not know and got lost. "When was this sent?"

"A purple eyed Albino giant gave it to me today and told me to make sure that it gets delivered in by the first of March. I decided to just take it to him straight away. W-Was that a _bad_ decision?" The boy was looking pitiful, like one strong gale of breath would knock him over.

"No, you made the right decision. I'll just be looking at this, but don't tell him that I got it until the day he said it was due, got it?" The purple eyed boy nodded. "Good."

No sooner had China closed the door that he opened the mail and saw a something that drained the blood from his body. It was a letter confirming that Japanese and Russian troops were going to blow up the ocean side ports that would allow access to Taiwan so Russia would get a better deal selling out China to the U.N. and the E.U. because he thought that China was holding him down. He knew that it came from Ivan because there was Russia's pen in there, and only a nation could know about that. Yao couldn't think, couldn't wonder why Ivan would do this, or why he wrote everything in an easily susceptible letter. All China knew was that he had to find a way to bring those two down without losing Taiwan himself.

The recorder turned on in the pen.

A plan was hatched.

* * *

I will do my best to juggle regular updates with this fanfic, school projects, neglected school work, transferring to a better school this spring, and the webcomic I'm writing. Right now I'm writing the script, and I want to draw most of it before I start so I don't have problems with deadlines, aka, a giant buffer. I tried doing that with this, but eventually it was outran and running the wrong course.


	51. Hate

The nation of Canada had already publicly announced that as America's representative to _those_ countries, they would not in any matter intervene with them. Even to send aid to help with all the dead that had been caused by the "Sanya Port Massacre." Nobody ever really feared Canada, because they either viewed them as a nicer little brother (America), or that country that's like America, but is less violent, crazy, and militaristic. Even if you saw him, you would probably quickly forget that he was even there. That wasn't quite true, though. There were some who feared him during the previous world wars. It's just that they thought of him as someone else, or forgot the moment they couldn't smell a corpse.

Alfred said that it was a little harsh, doing nothing to help all those who had died. Matthew couldn't tell if Alfred was genuine, or just saying what he was supposed to say. After people he knew and trusted for CENTURIES betrayed them, there was still no type of justice. Those assholes had their people say that it was too much money, that there was no REAL proof, that their countries would " _never, ever do it," "The Americans are just lying for money or power, or something"_ and worse of all was _"Well, maybe that asshole deserved it."_

His brother did not deserve to be half-alive with nightmares everyday, nor relive the experience everytime something reminded him of it. Weeks are days to a nation, and many months make up a week. His brother may never fully heal from the trauma. Even if Alfie did, it would be many centuries, and close to the day of his death. His body was weakening, and it took longer than ever to heal from what he used to not even notice. Alfie did not deserve this.

 _They_ did deserve the benefit of the doubt. _They_ deserved to be destroyed. He did not know the reason of why they raped and tortured an extremely young nation, but he least knew the cause- they thought that they could get away with it. They thought that it was the safer option. They thought that they could get away with it.

They thought that raping the world's superpower would be consequence free. They were wrong.

Matthew was in a secret office, busy sending more fake mail filled with information that would cause the deaths of millions, and plunge the receivers and supposed senders into a war that would hopefully destroy nations. It wasn't like they didn't deserve it. They did. They caused over 30 million people to feel the effects of horrific torture, and for their children, and their children's children, and _their_ children, and on and on until the name _America_ was a series of sounds stringed together that meant nothing, only a pretty sound that could be a name.

It _was_ a name. A name that everyone would soon fear and never, ever hurt again.


	52. There is Slaughter Everywhere

_I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. Please..._

 _I want to die._ Someone is scraping the inside of his brain, it feels like something is loudly banging his head until he loses his sanity. _I want to die._ As he lies down in the city made of ashes, Arthur thinks of the one he loves most in the world. A golden boy with eyes that were as limitless and clear as the sky, when the sky itself was clear before it became poisonous and thanatoid. Before the whole world resembled the ghastly land of the dead, were paranoia and hate resulted in a war that brought almost all world powers to their knees by fighting each other. Only one person still remained pure. The one whose destruction he was personally responsible for.

 _In the ash black city of London, Arthur tried to close his eyes for the last time. But even in death, he wasn't free. He couldn't be free. He had been in Hell for a long time now, ever since he destroyed his soul._

One last look, he see a bright angel. The angel probably doesn't want to save him. Maybe mock him? But an angel wouldn't do that. Angels are kind... They are incapable of hate. They can only love. But...

The angel he murdered grabbed him before all he saw was darkness. Alfred was the angel of death whole time. Arthur smiles.

 _There's no one else I'd rather die with._

For the first time in months, he smiles. Alfred just sighs.

* * *

This is Arthur's perspective, so if things seem a little wonky, it's because of the blood loss. Also, sorry for not updating for a bit. I had regents and have been visiting new high schools because my current one really sucks. Last semester, kids were laughing about a mouse being tied up and tortured, and I got into a little bit of trouble for calling them sick fucks. Not really mature, but isn't animal abuse part of the McDonald triad?

This will be updated next week, though maybe late next week. I'll also try to publish a webcomic that I recently realized is a little bit NGE-ish during the summer. I'm still writing the plot of it, but I hope to start putting it up online by that time. I know I suck with updates, so I'm going to try have a GIANT amount of buffer comics (aka already completed strips that put a buffer between time started and publishing time), or just have it completely done before hand. I (hopefully) might be going to a different school, and a bigger work load might put an actual strain on that. Oh well.

I do as much as I can that won't jeopardize my future. I'm sorry. Thanks for the support.


	53. Unhealable Scar

If he wasn't the person who almost single handedly took care and raised him, Alfred would had let him die. If Arthur did die, then everything would forever change, and he could never return to the way he was before. The innocent happy nation who loved his friends. And did nothing as he watched them die.

Blood that had soaked England and Mattie threatened to land on him as well.

Things were never, ever going to be the same again. Things would never get better between any of them. It wasn't like a scar that was just a thin white line. This was a keloid that expanded far beyond the initial wound, and grew flesh away from the body. To the point where you wondered why it was even there, if its only purpose was to cause pain.

At which point, he realized something alien and yet almost anticipatable, like it was something that was supposed to happen long ago. He no longer loved England. He loved the idea of the old Arthur, but it was only now that he realized that he could no longer admire him, and only felt pain around him. The days were he would lie in his arms as Arthur told him stories, or how he would eat his disgusting food before he associated eating with a penis raping his throat. Where he and Mattie and France and the rest would take care and love and not hate. Only love. Just love.

... It really will never become better again, whether Arthur lives or dies, or everyone coming back to life but being really sorry. He really was all alone.

* * *

 _If who I am is what I have, and what I have is lost, then who am I?_

* * *

This is the second to last chapter. Week long break next week.


	54. And All Manner of Things Shall Be Well

_I'm sorry for not updating in months, but I lost the original copy, was dragged down by school, and that just took th eenergy out of it. I updated out out of moral principal of never having undone work, to not feel guilty about, because I made a promise to, and because I gained two new watchers. I'm going to make another fanfic, but it will be for Joker Game, and not nearly as dark. Please enjoy. I'm sorry, by the way._

* * *

Comic book heroes from days past dominated all the stories that Alfred wanted to see. From big to small screen, to comic books themselves and novels. It wasn't the superpowers that entranced Alfred; it was their heart and souls. Heroes who were heroes no matter what happened, who ultimately helped the world be a better place, had the the ability to make the world a better place, and had pure and noble souls. Stories of such heroes who fought evil of both selfish black hearted villains and poor misguided souls nourished his soul in a world which didn't make sense anymore. They never made things worse.

* * *

 _Mattie, why are they bleeding, why are they all bleeding, why did you kill England, why did you mur- kill- hurt everybody? Why did you do this Mattie? They didn't deserve this,_ **I** _was the one in the wrong-_

 _"For getting raped?" Mattie flashes a smile that looks like he's worn it a lot, like it has worn into his skin and eroded part of his soul. His eyes are wide and gaunt, yellowish and a little bloodshot. Alfred backed up and almost fell down- what the hell happened to his little brother? Mattie- Matthew resets his face and just looks tired again, like he hasn't been sleeping since he was a baby, like he only got enough rest in his entire life only to grow before being starved and beaten and shrunk down._

Maybe the bloodshot eyes are because he's tired. _Violent and tired_. Do _I_ look like that? _Alfred was the one who got raped after all._

 _"Alfie, I just..."_

Just what? Wanted to pay back vengeance? Wanted to protect your own skin? Wanted to protect others? Wanted to protect... me?

 _"am very tired."_ Oh. So you don't care whether I live or die. You never cared, nobody ever cared. Nobody cares now, and they will never care in the future. ... Maybe I'm just being selfish. Why should anyone care about me? Well, they should care if I fuck up, but why would they want me to be happy? To pacify me and make sure that I don't do anything stupid, I guess. I'm idiotic. I'm dumb. I never should've had existed.

 _"Alfie? Are you okay?" Matthew looks up and down and him, and his expression turns fearful._ Is he afraid that I'm going to hurt him? I would never hurt you Mattie. I would rather kill myself than let myself hurt you. _He tells Matthew this and his eyes widen in shock. Matthew gives him a bear hug, and Alfred does all he can take on not immediately hurting him, his twin brother, his better half. "Alfie, I was just saying that I'm very tired of everything that has happened to you and me and everyone. I wanted to make sure that they would never hurt us ever again."_

 _Alfred can't say that it was bad if Mattie did it for the sake of other people, especially since Alfred would give his own life to make sure that something so utterly terribly diabolic and evil could never happen to anyone else, and he, too, daydreamed from time to time how wonderful it would feel to have their blood run down his body as he destroyed them completely and utterly, broken as he was broken. However, he didn't know why Mattie wanted to protect him as well. How they could something so evil- unpleasant and disgusting and gross and_ I want to vomit and leave and get this sickness out of me- _even though he knows no matter how hard he tries, he will never feel clean again. Whole again. Happy again. He will never be who he once was._

 _"How come they_ all _did it to me? How can so many people decide that_ I'm _the problem and be wrong about it? They weren't dumbasses, Mattie."_

 _"They were all people who created the problem by never clearing it up and would rather save their own skins than to not become a Judas. They did it to_ you _, so they would have absolutely no compulsions towards hurting anyone else. They knew you, raised you, and fought for you. If they were fine doing all of that to a child, then they would have no problems doing it absolutely anyone else. ... Including me."_

 _Alfred's widened, and his body felt like the strings inside it were pulled taut, with everything feeling tense and tired, like the body couldn't resist against the rope that pulled himself together and held him whole. It felt as if the strings inside the marionette that was him compacted his organs and gave them rope burn. "What?"_

 _"They knew you, and loved you more than me. If they would do it to someone like you-"_

 _"But-but you're wrong, Mattie, there's no way they-"_

 _"Alfie-"_

 _"But you're so good, and pure and innocent! You have never done anything wrong, you're my little brother, Mattie, and-"_

 _"I have done evil as well as you or anyone else." Matthew turned his head to the side. "They just didn't didn't complain as much as they did with you."_

 _"But you're good, and-"_

 _"I committed genocide, Alfie. I murdered an entire eight nations' worth of people. And all those people were rapists who would do that to even my little brother." Matthew sighed. "Of all the people in the world, you are the closest to sinless, as strange as it sounds."_

 _"That's not a good thing." Alfred's words choke his voice, breaking it a little. "I've done so many bad things, so how can I best the most innocent?"_

 _"... Everyone else really is evil, Alfie. There's no other way to put it."_

 _"But, of all the things that I've done: Vietnam, Iraq-"_

 _"All of that is small potatoes to mass rape and genocide. When they raped you, they also raped your people. And those people will spread the trauma to their children, and their grandchildren, and their grandkid's grandchildren, because when everyone has been put through that, when you have no where else to go... You just keep the trauma. Because you can't get rid of it."_

 _"A **mass rape**?! What the fucking hell? How the hell did people **mass rape** my house?"_

 _"By raping you. You are_ America _, so they affected the people, too."_

 _"But Mattie, that means that-"_

 _"You didn't fail your people."_

 _"SO HOW DID THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE GET RAPED THEN?"_

 _"You- they did it to-"_

 _"So it's my fault that-"_

 _"NOTHING IS YOUR FAULT! YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING,_ **THEY** _DID! You didn't get yourself raped, they drugged you and tied you up! You didn't cause this war, if- if anything, you- it's YOU that almost prevented it! You just wanted to make sure that it wouldn't happen again, but those idiot fucking hosers-" Matthew started to choke on his words, and coughed until he cried, and he cried even when he collapsed to the bloodless floor of their home and Alfred held him in his arms. Matthew didn't stop crying until every tear that had nested inside him for the past year was finally exorcised from him. Alfred tried to not do so as well, in order to be strong for his little brother, but even ended up crying a little. It was only a little bit though: he didn't feel sad so much as dead._

* * *

Alfred looked at the DVD in his hand. Captain America. In the 1950s, they decided that since the war was over, that America wasn't needed anymore. Just stow him away, until we want him again. Alfred considered telling Mattie about the movie in the hope that Mattie would force him to watch it for movie night tonight. He can already hear what he'll say: _"Alfie, I know you really want to see it, so don't be so unsure about yourself. You are a hero, Alfie, and the best person that I know."_

Alfred was merely at fault for eight countries getting destroyed, but other than that, Mrs. Lincoln... He wonders what his former boss Lincoln would've thought of this. That man was respondsible for removing the hypocrisy in him, but he didn't know if he would've stood by as all of this had happened.

It said something that the man who weathered through a civil war, being a slave-holding country, and three world wars would not- might not stand through this.

Once again, Alfred wonders about fashioning a pair of sticks together in order to physically force himself to smile. Not because he fears them hurting him, though he knows it will be painful when they see the naiive idiot not smiling and everyone will blame themselves for what happened. Philly will cry and try to hold him because she is a little girl- his little girl, someone harmles- someone who won't harm him. He can already hear that prayer that she used to whisper sparingly in times of hell that she now uses almost everytime he sees her. Soft like a song, pleading like she's arguing for life.

All Shall Be Well, and all Shall Be Well, and All Mannner of things shall be well.

He pauses mid step and remembers the story behind those words. Julian of Norwich wished to experience absolute remorse and death while still alive, along with compassion and understanding of what it truely meant to bear the sins of the whole world. Her body was attacked by demons, and she fell into such a sickness that she almost died before she briefly taken into Heaven, and told that no matter what happens, in the very end, all shall be well.

He, for the most part, could understand it. But things in the end will not be well- because bad things happen afterwards. There is no "end" when the world is still alive. This is impossible because things don't end, they just continue going on.

... Though bad things will end, though. Good things too. All shall be well, after all. The affects of War Two even today still rung around the world, so there was never really an end to that, though at least the Holoucaust was stopped. That even though some people still bear the scars of that time, atleast they are no longer in the ghettos or death camps.

"Primo Levi died at Auschwitz forty years later". Of course, not everyone was cleansed of suffering the moment it stopped being inflicted on you. Sometimes it was like a scar that kept hurting, and would remain a part of you as if it was etched onto your soul.

Maybe he was just in a mood. Maybe he should talk to his doctor about his antideppressents. It seemed that no matter what he switched to, the pain never full went away. Even when he was happier, he was less than what he should be. It was like everything was taken down a level. If something would had given him X amount of happiness and energy before, it only gave Y amount now. What was the point if he couldn't change things, if could never fully heal? Might as well be miserable.

 _But wouldn't you rather be_ happy? _Isn't it pleasant to be happy?_

Ugh. He decided to respond to the voice in his head. _Yes, it's nice to be happy, but I don't think that I can be happy again. Things will never go back to how they were before._

 _True_ the voice said, suprisingly, not being like an old Disney cartoon that was filled with singing sunflowers and cows and suns, and tasted so sweet it was gross and nausious. _But why don't you try making a new path?_

 _Because I'm just very tired, and I only do enough to avoid pain._

 _But if if you work towards it, eventually you will gain more energy, esspecially if you do things that you like._

 _I force myself to do everything, so it's hard to tell what I like. What am I supposed to do!?_

 _Rely on your friends. They will do anything you ask to make you happy again._

Alfred was about to argue before he paused, tripping on his words and plunging head first into memories. Everything that they had done was to help him, and did indeed sacrifice a lot. Holding his hand while he woke up sleeping, enduring him as he kept switching his medication, trying to get him to anything that thought would make him happy... They really did care about him. A while nobody knew exactly what they were supposed to do, they all had done they best that they could. Yeah... Yeah, he really should rely on them more. Not like having them do more things, but fully accepting their help and coming to them for aid. He wasn't weak. If he was weak, than he would allow himself to stay broken forever. No, weakness was invincibility, but it was getting up afterwards. Alfred called them all up for movie night, buying both that DVD, and the one where they assembled the team. _I hope they get the message._ he though before realizing that yes, they would.

And all was well.


End file.
